I love to eat an entire big box of Junior Mints while I am at the movies. I love lying on the beach and feeling the warm sun on my face. I love pairing cheese pizza with ice cream. And I also love pretty much every reality TV show that has ever aired on Bravo. My very favorite movie in the whole world is Love Actually. But, I’m realizing that I’ve never actually been in love.
A long time ago, I dated a boy for six years named “Dick”, who I told repeatedly that I loved him. (Please note that Dick is not his real name, but rather a well-suited name that I have carefully selected for him in order to help conceal his true identity.) When he and I were together, did I believe that I was in love with him? No, of course not. There was always this voice that I had in the back of my head that told me that I didn’t really love him. But we were in a relationship together for six years, living with each other in a small, one-bedroom apartment, and I was playing my part as the girlfriend who “loved” her boyfriend. I honestly think that this is what happens in a lot of relationships. You meet someone, you become serious with him, you move in with him, you become very comfortable with him, and then before you know it, you’re on some irreversible path of “togetherness” that you can’t seem to escape. And now the truth be told; Dean never loved Dick.
And then there was “Ryan”, the hot lawyer who I dated for two months last summer. (Note: I’ll refer to this guy as “Ryan” because he liked to think that he shared the same good looks as Ryan Reynolds.) I was never really in love with Ryan either. But I certainly was love-struck by him. When I was with Ryan, he could do no wrong in my eyes because
a) He was tall.
b) He was hot.
c) He was a successful lawyer who earned his law degree from Harvard.
And d) he had a great apartment that I secretly wanted to move into.
I adored everything about Ryan. He was so perfect to me that it was almost easy to overlook all of his flaws. (And trust me…there were many!) From his front-pleated pants that made him look years older than he actually was to his obvious commitment issues, Ryan was nowhere even close to being perfect. But when I was with him, it was as if he had no baggage whatsoever. I ignored all of his imperfections because I was so smitten by him and at one point I actually believed that I loved him. I had somehow convinced myself that I was in love with him because I liked him way more than I had ever liked Dick. I mean surely this must have meant that I was in love with him, right? It was the only logical explanation for all of my illogical feelings. And seriously, what girl in their right mind wouldn’t love Ryan Reynolds? After all, he is the guy who People Magazine declared this year as the Sexiest Man Alive.
Of course, there are many other guys along the way who I thought that maybe I was in love with too. But really, at the end of the day, I’ve never been there. I’ve never felt like how I imagine it’s supposed to feel when you’re in love in a boy. I’ve never had that “ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love” that Carrie Bradshaw once spoke about in an episode of Sex and the City.
Now I don’t want you to think that this is some “woe is me” piece because, really, it isn’t. Trust me. It’s not like I’ve never said the words, “I love you” to a boy before. Quite honestly, I say, “I love you” to boys all of the time now. In fact, this is all part of my newest dating strategy that I like to use on boys who I don’t like.
Allow me to explain. You see, most boys are scared of commitment. They are terrified of being with girls who obsess and pine after them. Single boys particularly like the chase and can’t stand it when a girl falls for him too quickly or easily.
Most girls pride themselves on being honest with boys. They believe in being forthright with a boy and telling him right away when they are just not that into him. The problem with this tactic is that when you tell a boy that you are not interested in him, he automatically becomes defensive. Trust me. Boys can’t stand rejection and they never take it well.
This is where my “I love you” plan comes into play. You see, when I know it’s going nowhere with a guy, or I just have no feelings for a guy whatsoever, I tell him right away that I am madly and deeply in love with him. For obvious reasons, guys can’t stand this and immediately begin to feel suffocated by my unexpected declaration of affection. In an act to protect himself, he immediately puts an end to all forms of communication with me. It’s that simple.
My “I love you” plan is guaranteed to work 100% of the time. It’s genius, really, because the guy is left feeling as though it is him who is initiating the break-up. This approach is especially fun to use on guys who I am interacting with for the first time on an online dating site. If you ever want to stop receiving emails or instant messages from a guy, immediately declare your love to him. He won’t ever contact you again. I promise.
So, who cares if I am in my mid-thirties and have never been in love before? I truly believe that it will happen for me someday. I mean just look at Snooki. On tonight’s episode of Jersey Shore, she said that she had simply prayed to the Gods to have a nice, juice head gorilla and she finally got one. So maybe all it takes is a little prayer to fall in love. Who knows? But in the mean time, I’ll just continue to enjoy eating my Junior Mints and saying, “I love you” to boys who I could care less about. My newest dating strategy brings a whole new meaning to the phrase “kill him with kindness”.
And to all of my readers out there, “I love you”.