Tag Archives: Dating Advice

5 Signs That Your Guy Could Be Gay

04 Sunday Dec 2011

Posted by in Dating Advice

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

, , ,

These days it’s so hard to know who is gay and who isn’t. Men don’t exactly walk around carrying signs letting us single girls know what team they play for. So how are we supposed to know if the guy that we are pining after (or dating) is gay? What are some signs that we should be looking for?

Several months ago I attempted (and failed miserably) at trying to date a guy who just wasn’t that into me. I did everything in my power I could to get him to like me. Desperately wanting him to become my boyfriend, I came up with what I thought was a a fool-proof plan. I bought two bottles of cheap red wine and proceeded to get my crush so drunk that he was unable to drive himself home. Like clockwork, my crush ended up having to spend the night at my apartment, in my bed. I had him right where I wanted him. Dean’s plot had worked like a charm, or so I thought…

But the reality is, the next morning my crush and I woke up in the same exact position that we had fallen asleep in; on opposite sides of the bed. The truth is, he never once even tried to put the moves on me during the night. This should have been a clear indication to me that my boy crush was gay. But no. Instead I wrote off the entire incident as him being way too drunk to put the moves on me. Oh the excuses us straight girls sometimes use for our gay male crushes…

I can assure you that if a straight boy ever finds himself piss drunk in a single girl’s bed, he will put the moves on her. This is a fact. A drunk straight man has no boundaries whatsoever when he’s in a girls apartment. None.

Don’t let yourself fall victim to falling in love with someone who plays for the opposite team. As a dating advice expert, Dean is here to tell you that there are warning signs that you should be paying attention to.

5 Signs That Your Guy Could Be Gay

  1. After you proceed to get him drunk off of two bottles of red wine, and basically force him to spend the night at your place, he still makes no attempt, whatsoever, at trying to hook-up with you.
  2. He thoroughly enjoys singing show tunes and knows all the words to every Broadway musical ever written.
  3. Your gay friends have repeatedly told you that he bats for the other team.
  4. He has expressed (several times) an interest in participating in a Flashmob.
  5. When he finally does kiss you for the first time, he completely freaks out, runs out of your apartment, and decides never to speak to you again.

Dean is here to tell you that if you have ever experienced any of the above scenarios, it’s time to get yourself a new crush, and fast! After all, it’s never fun to crush on a guy…who’s crushing on some other guy.

If, however, after reading these 5 warning signs, you are still unsure about whether your guy crush is gay, there is (luckily) a test on OKCupid that you can take called, “The Is Your Boyfriend Gay Test“. It is a simple 15-question multiple-choice test that only takes a few minutes to complete.

I recently took the test and it confirmed for me what I had been speculating for months; my guy crush is indeed gay. I got the “I’m sorry to have to be the person to tell you this.. but honey, you’re losing him to the other side and there is nothing you can really do about it” result.

So there we have it. It’s been officially confirmed by OkCupid. Dean once crushed on a gay guy. My only wish is that he would have stuck around long enough for the two of us to have participated in at least one Flashmob together. Oh the fun we could have had…had he simply not run away.

Dean’s Letters to her Dating Contenders

19 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by in Dean's Deep Thoughts

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

,

Dean is a dating advice expert.  And as an expert, we all know that it’s important to stay current with all of the hottest dating trends.  So this is why I have enlisted myself in some of today’s top dating sites around the world.  It’s not because I am looking for love, of course.  And it’s not because I am trying to get myself into some serious relationship.  I am on these dating sites strictly for the purpose of conducting research.  After all, I am Dean and dating is what I do.

As I am sure that you can imagine, as an expert in my field (and someone who also happens to have a great smile and hair) I get lots and lots of emails each day from boys who are asking me out.  Some of these emails are fairly normal; some are even witty.  But I am sad to report that most of the emails and messages that I receive are quite frightening.

Today’s post is a small glimpse into a day in the life of Dean’s top dating contenders.  Below are some responses that I have thoughtfully composed in my head but never took the time to actually send out.

Dear man with the Mullet who won’t stop contacting me,

You have a mullet.  Dean doesn’t date men with mullets.  Please stop contacting me.  I find you especially weird.

Love,

Dean

Dear Wealthy Foreign Painter,

Although I find it impressive that you have found a way to retire at the ripe age of 36 (and drive a Porsche), there is still something about you that I find odd.  Perhaps it’s that you spend the majority your days painting naked women.  But more importantly, I think it’s the fact that you stated in one of your emails to me that you couldn’t paint one particular woman quite yet because you were waiting for her pubic hair to grow in.  This is an especially weird thing for you to admit to me in an email.  I now think that you are a freak and I don’t ever want to date you.

Love,

Dean

Dear Guy who uses especially big words and who wants to be my pen pal,

I appreciate that you think that you and I “might be able to shed light upon the other’s dating perspective, for the purposes of personal edification”.   And I understand that you have no interest in dating me but would rather share with me a, “robust, no-holds-barred pen pal relationship”.  But I am not looking for a pen pal.  This is a dating site.  You are supposed to want to date me.  I think that you should ask some other girl to be your pen pal.

Love,

Dean

Dear Masturbator,

I think it’s gross that you just masturbated to one of my online profile photos.  I don’t want to date you and I would now like to report you to the police.  You should be arrested.

Love,

Dean

Dear Guy who used a photo of Hugh Grant as your profile picture,

Something tells me that you are not really Hugh Grant’s identical twin.  Although I do find you VERY attractive in “your” photo, I am guessing that in real life you are probably some personal identify thief and this scares me greatly.  Please don’t contact me again….unless in real life you really do look and sound like Hugh Grant.

Love,

Dean

Dear Guy with no Photo who can’t speak English well,

Although I appreciate that you added me to your favorites list and “sended me many massages”, you have no online photo and you do not speak English well.  I haven’t responded to your “massages” because I am not interested.  Trust me.  I have received all your “massages” to date but I do not want to “talk to you” as you are insisting that we do.  Please offer your “massages” to someone else.

Love,

Dean

Online dating can be a wonderful thing if at the end of the day it brings two fairly normal people together for the purpose of finding love.  But in a lot of ways, I find that online dating is more a collection of weirdos than anything else.  If you’re looking for real love, hit up any of the places that I recommend in my post “Dean’s Best Places to Meet a Guy”.  If you’re looking for entertainment (or a freak show), online dating might be the better bet.

Either way, Dean wishes all of her readers the best of luck in finding love.  Even you, Mr. Mullet!  And you, too, Mr. Wannabe Pen Pal!  Because at the end of the day, everyone deserves to have a little love in their lives.  Even if you are some crazy freak, just remember, there’s most likely some perfect little freak out there who’s waiting especially for you to contact her.  So in the mean time, stop writing to me (please) and start focusing your attention on her.  Because at the end of the day, it’ll bring us all just a little bit closer to finding love.

Dear Dean: Do I tell him that I like him?

15 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by in Ask Dean

≈ Comments Off

Tags

Question: So, let’s say I have a friend, and she is around 17 and is going to be a senior in high school, and there’s this guy, and he just graduated and is going to college out of state. She knows that there is probabaly nothing that’ll come out of it, but she feels inclined to tell him how she feels. Would it be ridiculous if she did? Would it be a good idea, or just weird (because he’s leaving)? suggestions?
Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

First of all, congratulations on making it to your senior year in high school!  This is a HUGE accomplishment and I promise you that your senior year is the most fun!

Now let’s get down to business: I ABSOLUTELY think that your “friend” should tell this college boy how she feels.  If you think about it, she really has nothing at all to lose.  If she tells the guy that she likes him and he confirms that he likes her back, he’ll be the prince and she’ll be the princess.  And it will be a love story if he just says yes.  (How’s that for a little Taylor Swift quote?)

On the flip side, if your “friend” tells the guy that she is interested in him and he confirms that he is not interested in her, he goes off to college (out of state somewhere) and ends up failing some of his freshman year classes.  This is the case because clearly he’s an idiot for not liking your “friend” in the first place.

Your “friend” on the other hand moves on and ends up having the time of her life being that cool senior girl that she is.  She’ll end up being the captain of the varsity cheerleading squad AND get asked to go to prom with the hottest boy in school.  By the time she gets crowned as Prom Queen at the end of next year, she will have completely forgotten about that stupid college boy who showed no interest in her the year before.

In all seriousness, Dean always advises her readers to be honest with their feelings.  If your “friend” doesn’t say something, she’ll never know what could possibly come of it.  Look, there is no guarantee that it will work out between your “friend” and this guy.  None at all.  But this doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t at least try.

I told my best friend that I liked him a few months ago and he stopped talking to me all together.  Am I upset that I told him my feelings?  Not in the slightest.  I know now that it wasn’t meant to be between us.  Since my confession to him, I’ve moved on and I now realize that there are WAY better catches out there for me anyway.  And this is the God honest truth.

So tell your “friend” to talk to this guy.  She has nothing to lose…except maybe her voice.  (This happens sometimes when you are nervous and have a big confession to make.)

Wish your “friend” all the luck in the world for me!  And let me know how it goes.

Lots of love,

Dean

Dear Dean: I’m one offended paramedic

07 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by in Ask Dean

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

Question: I really hope your EMT story is not serious.
If so, just remember a few things.
1) you are a patient, you are no different than any other no matter how attractive.
2) “but he saved me” its his job.
3) you now look at him like a hero, EMT’s dont want to be looked at as their significant others hero.
4) EMTs dont date patients.
5) if we happen to be at the hospital at another time, we like to check on our patients.

and finally
6. you can seriously hurt someone if you practice CPR on them.
Answer:

Dear Mr. Anonymous EMT,

First, I would like to thank you for teaching me all about EMT’s and their rules of conduct while on the job.  I can see that you have a lot of pride in your profession.  And I truly appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me.

However, I would like to point out to YOU that an EMT is no different from anyone else on the streets.  Just like a baker, a teacher, a barber, or even a bus driver, an EMT is simply another person in the neighborhood.  He’s a person that you meet, when you’re walking down the street.  And in my opinion, he’s fair game for dating just like anyone else.

I have taken the liberty of responding to each of your comments:

1)  I beg to differ.  I like to think that I am way cuter than most people who typically call into 911 with a serious back injury.  I’m even willing to bet that the EMT who saved my life that day enjoyed himself way more with me than he would have with someone who was older….or not as cute.  I’m just saying.

2)  Yes, saving me was his job.  But there’s no doubt that I made his job a lot more enjoyable that morning with my sunny personality and my superb flirting skills.

3)  I disagree.  My EMT LOVED it when I referred to him as a hero.  Kind of like how I liked it when he referred to me as his honey bunny.  I don’t think that your blanket statement applies to all EMT’s.

4)  Saying an EMT doesn’t date patients is like saying that doctors don’t date nurses.  Or that professors don’t date students.  Or that politicians don’t date their housekeepers.  In the real world, dating is fair game for EVERYONE!  We’re so fortunate and lucky to have these rights!

5) I am happy to hear that EMT’s visit their patients while they’re at the hospital.  I am willing to bet you though that my EMT visited me that day because he thought I was cute and he liked me.  What can I say?  Dean is a catch…even when she’s in the hospital!

6)  What if the guy is especially cute?  Can’t we make an exception to the rule with this one?  I like to think that performing CPR on a cute guy is totally acceptable.  And think about how romantic it would be if I actually saved him in the process of giving him CPR?!?!

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me.  And, if you happen to have any cute and single EMT friends, send them my way!  I love their big strong arms and I especially love how adorable they look in their sexy little uniforms.

Keep saving lives!

Love,
Dean

P.S. You are totally my new hero.

First Date? Dean Says: Make Him Pay!

07 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by in Dating Advice

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, ,

Picture this: You’re on your first date with a guy at a wine bar, the waiter delivers the check to your table, and the nerves begin to take over your entire body as you contemplate what exactly your next move should be.  Do you reach for your wallet in your purse?  Do you put down your own credit card and offer to pay for your portion of the bill?  Do you hand over a wad of cash to your date?  Or do you simply do nothing at all and just wait for the guy to take care of the bill it its entirety?  Throughout my many years of practicing dating, I have come across thousands of girls out there who have been struggling with this exact scenario.  So many readers are constantly writing in and asking, “Dean, what exactly is the protocol for who should pay on a first date?”

As a world-renowned dating advice expert, I have years of experience in dealing with this type of situation.  So to all of you girls out there who have been wondering how exactly you should be handling yourselves when the bill comes to your table, lucky for you, I have scientifically developed a fail-proof system for this exact scenario.  My plan effectively forces the man to pay for the first date while eliminating any stress that you may be experiencing due to not knowing how to approach the bill.  Allow Dean to put your mind at ease, once and for all, before you go out on your next first date.

First, it is important for all girls to recognize that it is absolutely 100% the man’s responsibility to cover the bill in its entirety on a first date.  There are no exceptions to this rule.  Ever.

Dating experts like myself, through years of study and observation, have determined that the “payment act” is the only accurate measure for truly understanding a man’s fundamental and inherent makeup.  The “payment act” (a term that was invented exclusively by Dean) is defined as, “a man’s willingness to pay for the bill on a first date”.  Scientific studies have shown that any man who expects a girl to pay for her portion of the bill, or worse off, who asks a girl to cover the entire cost bill, has something inherently wrong with him.  This is a huge warning sign (or sickness) that indicates to us dating specialists that the guy is extremely cheap and furthermore incapable of being a good boyfriend.

So, now that you have a better understanding about who is responsible for covering the cost of a first date, it will be much easier for you to follow the simple rules of my plan.

Dean’s Fail-Proof Guide for Getting a Guy to Pay for the First Date:

Step 1:  Next time the bill comes to your table when you are on a first date with a man, immediately ask yourself the question, “do I like this guy enough to want to see him again for a second date?”

If this answer to this question is “yes”, please proceed to step 2.  If this answer to this question is “no”, please skip ahead to step 3.

Step 2:  If you determined that you like your date enough to go out with him a second time, your next move is to perform the “wallet reach”.  The “wallet reach” (which was created exclusively by Dean) is defined as, “the act of pretending that you are “reaching” for your wallet deep within the confines of your purse”.  In performing this act, you want to make it appear as though you are really struggling to find your wallet in your purse.  The “struggle” in this step is necessary because it is essentially buying you time.  During this “struggle” phase,  your date is going to take notice of your difficulty in finding your wallet.  (Note: In order for this act to be most effective, it’s really important to make the struggle seem somewhat obvious.)  As your date watches you fumble through your purse, he will eventually feel inclined to say, “Please don’t worry about it.  I’ll handle the bill.”  Keep in mind, nice men do not like to see girls in stress.  As your date watches you “struggle”, he will automatically feel compelled to “save you”.

Step 3:  If you have determined that you are not interested in going on a second date, there is no need to perform the “wallet reach”.  In this scenario, my plan requires you to do absolutely nothing at all, (a.k.a. the “sit pretty” act).  The simple act of doing nothing when the bill comes, gives off the impression to your date that you are a spoiled brat.  And this is good!  Bear in mind that when you’re not interested in a guy, it is important that he is not interested in you either.  The “sit pretty” act will ensure that your date never contacts you again.  He will be so appalled by your spoiled girl behavior that he will be determined to pay the bill as quickly as possible and end the date immediately.  (Note: If you’ve never performed the “sit pretty” act before, it will be slightly uncomfortable for you.  And this is okay and quite normal.)  Like anything else in life, this is a move that will continue to get easier the more times you practice it.  Also keep in mind, that even though it feels wrong to not offer to pay for any portion of the bill, in the end, you are really doing both you and your date a favor.  Remember, the ultimate goal of step 3 is to get your date NOT to like you.

As you can see, by simply following the rules of my plan, you will never have to pay for a first date again!  My plan also effectively reduces any stress that typically comes along with the uncertainty of not knowing what to do when the bill comes. Remember, going on first date with a guy should be fun…and free.  So before you go out on your next first date with a guy, be prepared to either “struggle” or “sit pretty”.  In either scenario, just knowing how to handle yourself on your date will most certainly put your mind at ease.

So now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

(Note: Although it may come across from all of her extensive knowledge about dating and relationships that Dean is a doctor, bear in mind that Dean is not in fact a doctor in real life, nor does she play one on TV.  She does, however, often like to pretend for the purpose of her blog, that she knows what she is talking about.  While no official Ph.D. has been earned from any sort of accredited University, Dean plans to someday create a fake diploma to hang on the walls of her non-existent office.) 

 

‘Tis the Season for Dating with Sparks and Fireworks

29 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by in Dating Advice

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

, ,

With the July 4th holiday almost upon us, what better time than now to discuss sparks, fireworks, and dating?  As you can imagine, being the renowned dating advice expert that I am, people are constantly approaching me on the streets to ask for my autograph.  And lately, I have noticed that while I am in the midst of signing all the t-shirts, autograph books, and posters, the one question that I repeatedly get asked is, “Dean, if I don’t feel the sparks for someone on our first date, should I go out with them a second time?”

Lots of dating advice experts would say that even if you don’t feel the chemistry after your first date with someone that you should still go out with him a second time, and possibly even a third.  This is because many experts believe that finding love is something that you have to work at.  As the expression goes: if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.  Some experts will even insist that the sparks are merely signs of infatuation, which are feelings based solely on “chemistry” rather than on really getting to know another person.

While I may have not have earned my Ph.D. in Love and Relationships from a top ranked university, I have gone on enough dates in my lifetime to know that if the sparks and fireworks aren’t there on date number one, they’re most certainly not going to be there on date number two (or three) either.  This is simply because you need to feel an attraction to your partner.

If you find that on your first encounter with someone you’re throwing up in your mouth a little, this is never a good sign.  Take it from me; that sickness that you are experiencing is not because you swallowed a bad piece of fish earlier in the day.  It’s most likely because you simply aren’t attracted to your date.  He’s probably ugly, boring, and doesn’t speak with a sexy English accent.  So the question that you need to be asking yourself in this situation is, that if your date isn’t all that and a bag of chips, what makes you think that any of this is going to change in time for your next encounter with him?  It’s not like your date is going to suddenly get adopted by a set of English parents and develop a sexy accent just in time for your second date.  Life just doesn’t happen that way.

I believe that in order to be in a loving and romantic relationship with someone, the sparks and fireworks need to be present from the second that you first meet.  For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about, the sparks and the fireworks is this nearly inexplicable feeling that’s exciting, breathtaking, mind-blowing, and spectacular all at the same time.  It’s a feeling that when you experience it, you just know that it’s there.  It’s a strong sensation that makes you want to get to know a person better.  And it should never, ever be mistaken for food poisoning.

But, if for whatever reason you are still uncertain about your feelings for your date, go in for a kiss.  A kiss can be very telling.  If there is deep connection, I promise you that you’ll instantly see fireworks.

So on this July 4th, my one wish for all of my readers out there is to experience that boom, boom, boom that’s even brighter than the moon, moon, moon.  Because it’s a thrill that everyone should get to experience…at least once in their lifetime.

 

Dean’s Best Places to Meet a Guy

17 Friday Jun 2011

Posted by in Dating Advice

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

, ,

Single girls are constantly stopping me in the streets to ask me, “Hey, Dean!  Where is the best place to meet a guy?”  Apparently it’s the one question that every single girl is dying to know the answer to.  So here is my advice to all of you single girls out there who are looking to find your mate.

A lot of people think that the best place to meet a guy is at a bar.  This is actually the furthest thing from the truth.  Meeting a man at a bar has the potential for being disastrous!  For starters, a bar is the one place where people generally go to get drunk.  And keep in mind, you never want your first encounter with your future husband to be while you are both wasted.  Just think, if this actually happened, 10 years from now you and your husband will be forced to lie to your hypothetical children and tell them that you really met at some cute café with nice linens on the tables instead of at a bar.  And lying to your non-existent children is never a good thing.  Bear in mind, it’s also very difficult to have any sort of meaningful conversation while at a bar.

So now that you know where not to go to meet a guy, allow me to tell you the best places to go to meet a man.

Dean’s Top 5 List of the Best Places to Meet a Man

1.     A Courthouse.  Most people hate when they get summoned to report in for jury duty.  But not me.  I look at this as the perfect opportunity to meet my future husband.  For starters, there are always lawyers present in a courthouse and we all know that dating a lawyer has some huge perks. Lawyers not only make really good money but they are also known to look amazing in suits and shirts with cufflinks.  Be sure that before you go to court, you are looking your absolute best!
Note: there also tend to be quite a few criminals in a courthouse.  Try to avoid any and all contact with the criminals (even if they whistle at you while you are walking down the hallway).  Dean strongly advises against dating a criminal.

 

2.     On a Bus or Subway.  Really any mode of public transportation is a great way to meet a guy.  If you see someone who you find attractive, first remember to look at his ring finger and make sure that it’s bare.  Once confirmed that he is not married, make it your business to stand or sit next to him.   If on a bus, I recommend performing “the seat slide”.  The seat slide is a move that I invented that involves “sliding into” the man seated next to you.  It’s a great way to initiate skin-on-skin contact without seeming too kinky.  When on a subway, I recommend the “pole slide”.  The pole slide is fairly similar to the seat slide but involves sliding down the subway pole.  As you make your way down the pole, gently bump into your target before landing conveniently at his feet.  In my experience, I find that men thoroughly enjoy the pole slide.  I think it’s because they associate this move with pole dancing…

3.     An Apple Store.  I try to bring my MacBook into the Apple Store at least once a month.  Between the Genius Bar employees and the number of men who bring in their Apple products in to get repaired, the Apple Store is a great venue for meeting a man.  Last week, I pretended to be a Genius Bar worker and asked the good-looking man seated next to me how I could assist him.  After he confessed to me the problem with his computer, I attempted to fix it for him by hitting Ctrl-Alt-Del.  Now let’s be honest here, Dean has no idea how to fix a computer.  But when it comes to striking up a conversation with a guy, she clearly knows what she’s doing!
Note: Never advise someone at an Apple store to hit Ctrl-Alt-Del on his computer.  Apparently, this feature does not work on Apple products…who knew?

 

4.     A gym.  A gym is a great place to meet a guy because it’s the one place where girls are dressed in tight-fitting spandex outfits that show off all of their curves and guys are dressed in shorts that flaunt their muscular legs.  When approaching a man in a gym, I like to play dumb and pretend that I’ve never been in a gym before.  Asking questions like, “what is a treadmill?” and “will this machine make my butt look skinny?” is a great way to initiate a conversation with a guy in a gym.   Playing dumb works especially well in a gym environment because it allows for a man to demonstrate how to use the fitness equipment while you are checking out his equipment.

5.     A Mattress Store.  Choosing the right mattress can sometimes be a daunting task.  But, a sure way to make this process more pleasurable is with the help of a man.  Let’s face it.  A mattress store is a great way to meet a man because everyone at some point (i.e. doctors, pirates, actors, milkmen, and mailmen) needs a mattress.  And we all know that the only way to find a good mattress is to test out a bunch of them.  So, my recommendation is to go into a mattress store and start testing away!  If you see a guy in the store who peaks your interest, get into bed with him!  It’s not only a fantastic way to start a conversation with a man, but it’s also a great way to test your new bed with a man in it!  And if you’re really feeling frisky, you can always ask your new mattress partner to spoon you.
Note: Never volunteer to be the big spoon while mattress testing with a stranger.  This gesture could give off the wrong impression to your future husband.  You always want the man to feel like he’s the man in the relationship.  Making him be the little spoon could be emasculating to him.

So to all my single female readers out there, stop going into bars to meet your future husband.  I promise you.  He’s not there.  Your future husband is on some mattress somewhere just waiting for you to spoon with him.



Dear Dean: I don’t get him

05 Thursday May 2011

Posted by in Ask Dean

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Question: Hi Dean,

So the guy I have been flirting with over a month I finally made the move and gave him my number and he smiled when I gave it too him, and within 10mins later he text me with (thanks for being sweet) wtf does that mean? we haven’t texted ever since then I really wanna text him but I dont think he has my number saved anymore?? and see what’s up with him, or should I just move on? HELP ME DEAN!!

-confused lonely girl.
Answer:

Waiting For Phone To Ring

Dear Confused Lonely Girl,

First of all, I would like to congratulate you on taking the VERY scary step of letting a guy know that you are interested in him.  I know all too well from my own experiences, that it’s never an easy thing to do to let a guy know when you have feelings for him.  You should be very proud of yourself for being so strong and assertive.  Dean is certainly proud of you!

That being said, I only wish that I could give the same type of praise to your guy.  From this point forward, I will be referring to him as DB (short for Douchebag).

Allow me to put it to you simply, Confused Lonely Girl.  Boys like what they can’t have.  When you were flirting with DB for over a month, he was genuinely interested in you because he loved the chase of trying to get you to like him.  As soon as you handed him your number, he lost interest in you.  For him, having your number meant that the fun and the adventure of the chase was over for him.  When he texted you the words, “Thanks for being sweet”, in douchebag language this really means, “Game over.  I’m moving on to someone new now.  Thanks for playing.”

My advice for you, Confused Lonely Girl, is to move on.  I know it’s a difficult thing to do but trust me when I tell you, DB is certainly not worth your time.  If DB were a smart guy (and not such a douchebag), he would have asked you out on a proper date right then and there when you gave him your phone number.  A guy who is worth it would have jumped at the opportunity to be with you.

So my advice to you, is to move on and to find someone new to flirt with.  When you find the right person, I promise you that there won’t be any more confusion or loneliness.  You’ll just be a girl, standing in front of a boy, all happy in love.

So chin up.  And flirt away (with someone new).

Love,

Dean

Dear Dean: Help a Single Mom in the City

29 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by in Ask Dean

≈ Comments Off

Tags

, , , ,

Question: Dear Dean,
What’s the best way to meet a man if you are 40, single, and a mom?
- Single Mom in the City
Answer:

 

Hugh Grant

Dear Single Mom in the City,

To answer your question best, I think that it’s always useful to think in terms of Hugh Grant.  I mean what single woman wouldn’t want to date him?  Sure.  He’s 51 now.  But he was in his 40’s during the three movies that I am about to discuss.  Hugh is someone to pay close attention to because he always has success in meeting attractive women in his films.  Hugh is cute, his teeth are spectacular (especially for an Englishman), and he has a lovely accent.  He is definitely someone that all of us single ladies could learn a little something from.  (Try not to dwell on the fact that he was once involved in a sex scandal with a prostitute.  After all, that was a very long time ago!)

Let’s first start with the movie, Notting Hill.  In this movie, Hugh Grant owns an independent bookshop that specializes in travel writing.  He has been coping with divorce after his wife left him for a man who looked exactly like Harrison Ford. Julia Roberts character enters his shop one day to buy a book. Minutes later, the pair collide in the street and Hugh spills his orange juice all over both of them.  Yadda.  Yadda.  Yadda.  Movie ends.  They’re in love.

Next, there’s the movie About a Boy.  In this movie, Hugh Grant spends most of his free time watching television, and reading about pop culture.  Feeling lonely, Hugh comes up with the idea of attending a single-parents group called “SPAT” (Single Parents Alone Together) to meet potential female partners. As part of his ploy, he claims to have two-year-old son named Ned. His plan was kind-of successful and he ended up meeting a woman who lasted…for about a scene or two.

And lastly, there is the movie Bridget Jones’s Diary.  Bridget is frustrated; she is in her early thirties, still single, very accident prone and worried about her weight. She works in publicity at a book publishing company in London where her main focus is fantasizing about her boss, Huge Grant.  Bridget and Hugh begin to flirt heavily at work, first over e-mail. They eventually start dating, despite the fact that Hugh is a notorious womanizer with a questionable personality.  In the end Bridget doesn’t end up with Hugh Grant.  She ends up with Colin Firth.  But this is not the point of the story that we’re supposed to pay attention to…

So, Single Mom in the City, you are probably wondering at this point where I am going with all of this.  And I promise you that I do have a point.  My point here is that there are lots of single, successful, attractive men out there!  They are the owners of small independent bookshops, they are the men who attend the Single Parents Alone Together groups, and they are the flirtatious men in suits at your office.  Once you start believing that these men actually do exist, and that they could be interested in YOU, you’ll begin to have luck in meeting them.  So live your life to the fullest, stay active and busy doing the things that make you happy, and soon enough you’ll be that “girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”.

And if all above fails, you can always be a contestant on ABC’s “The Bachelor”.  Just look at Emily.  She is a single mom with a daughter and on the season finale of the show, Brad Womack, chose her to be his wife.

So hang in there, Single Mom in the City!  In no time at all you’ll find yourself a man who is kid-tested and mother approved!

Love,

Dean

The Request For Proposal

11 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in Dating Stories

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

, , ,

It’s no secret that finding the man of your dreams is a daunting task.  But luckily for me, I am never alone in my quest to find love.  My best friend, Awesome, is always by my side, supporting me through all of my dating endeavors.  (Note: Her real name is not actually Awesome but rather a name that I have carefully selected for her in order to help conceal her true identity.  The mere fact that she is “awesome” in everything she does is the true inspiration behind the name.)

Awesome and I became friends early on in our adult lives.  When we first met, she was a smart and extremely accomplished attorney…and I was a smart and extremely unemployed temp, working as an administrative assistant at her company.   On my first day on the job at her workplace, I ordered for her one of those really fancy calculators from the Office Max catalog.  It was the especially good kind with large numbers and an anti-glare screen.  (Let’s just say that Dean doesn’t mess around when it comes to shopping for top-notch office supplies…especially while using someone else’s credit card.)  Well Awesome must have really liked that calculator because two minutes later we were officially best friends.  Two days later, we were wearing all of the same outfits from J.Crew.  Two weeks later we were labeled as the office lesbians.  Two months later we traveled to London together.  And two years later, I was a bridesmaid in Awesome’s wedding.

Throughout our friendship, we have always been there for each other.  I have happily celebrated with her all of her life’s greatest accomplishments; her marriage, the purchase of her first home, the birth of her two children, and all of her numerous work promotions.  And Awesome has always been there to help me celebrate mine too…like that one time, when a boy I liked, decided that he liked me too.   She was really happy for me.

Awesome is really involved in my dating life.   She’s especially good at staying current with who the top contenders are in my dating life.  And she’s always there to offer me her moral support in especially difficult times, like when a boy I like doesn’t call me back or when I get dumped via text message by my boyfriend.  She’s always there to tell me that he sucks and that I can do better.  Awesome’s awesome like that.

So it shouldn’t come as any surprise that Awesome developed for me an RFP (Request For Proposal) to help streamline my dating life.  It is a document that I can distribute to all prospective boyfriends in order to get a better sense about who they are and whether or not they are a suitable match for me.

Her RFP is comprised of twenty carefully selected questions.  And it was strategically designed so that there is a right and wrong answer to every critical question on the document.  All questions must be answered on the honor system and without any type of research.  Each question is worth five points apiece.  And any question regarding Judaism that is answered correctly is actually worth negative five points, under the assumption that any potential boyfriend should not be too Jewish for Dean.   (Let’s face it, although I am Jew-ish, I don’t exactly foresee myself with a strict kosher keeping, every-week synagogue attending, Torah reading boyfriend.)

Awesome has truly found a way to gain a better understanding of a potential boyfriend’s dress style, food tastes, and movie/tv preferences while weeding out the Super Jews.  Her RFP is a brilliant tool that I highly recommend for any single girl to use who is also searching for love.  (Note: If Love Actually is not your favorite movie, grilled pizza and ice cream are not your favorite foods, and you happen to be attracted to very Jewish married men who wear Ed Hardy shirts and pleated pants, you may wish to tailor the document to your own specific needs prior to distribution.)

So to all of my single readers out there who are looking for love, remember that you first need to find yourself an Awesome before you can expect to find yourself a Mr. Awesome.

Dean’s Request For Proposal 

1. Do you own an Ed Hardy shirt?

2. Who is your favorite character from the movie Love Actually?

3. Have you ever broken up with someone over a text message?

4. Has a woman ever called you a douchbag?

5. Who became the first Chief Rabbi of Palestine in 1921?

6. What are the details of the last date that you planned?

7. Have you ever been or are you currently married?

8. Do you believe, on some level, that everyone has insane parents?

9. Do you cook or bake?

10. Who was born in France in 1040 and wrote a commentary on the Bible and Talmud?

11. Do you own pleated pants?

12. Do you like PT Cruisers?

13. When in an ideal relationship, how many times a week would you see your girlfriend?

14. Which is better, ice cream or grilled pizza?

15. Please name your favorite Real Housewife.

16. What does the word “seder” mean in Hebrew?

17. Have you ever been in rehab?

18. What, generally, are your thoughts on Martha’s Vineyard?

19. Do you generally agree that using the pool and spa facilities at hotels in Sonoma and Napa Valley (when you’re not an actual guest) is not illegal?

20. How long was your longest relationship?

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.