There are many times in my life when I try to analyze why it is that I am in my mid-thirties and still single. I often try to figure out what are the exact contributing factors to my being single. Is it because I wasted all of my best years on one failed relationship that lasted 6 years too long? Is it because I always choose to date the wrong men? Is it because I am searching for perfection in a world where perfection does not actually exist? Or is it because I’m just so pretty that all of the boys out there are intimidated by me? I could never really seem to find the right answer to this pressing question…until now.
Tonight I learned that the reason I am still single is because I live in California. (And here I was worried that it might have had something to do with the absurd amount of time that I spend on styling my hair each morning. Silly me.)
Earlier today, I happened to stumble across an interesting article on MSNBC.com about a study that was conducted on single people living in the United States. Artist R. Luke DuBois recently joined 21 dating sites in order to create his own “census of the United States.” He proceeded to analyze the profiles of over 19 million single users and tracked how frequently any of 20,262 unique words occurred in their profiles. He then took that data and transformed it into a series of maps showing in which parts of the country certain words appeared most.
It turns out that the least lonely single men live in the state of California. It also turns out that the most kinky and the most kissing single women live in California.
Hmmm. Is it me? Or is there a really obvious correlation between each of these statements? Could it be that maybe the men in California are not lonely because they getting all of their sexual needs met by the kinky, kissing women who also live there? Clearly this is the case.
Artist R. Luke DuBois’ study is indicating to me that single men in California don’t have any reason to feel lonely. They are surrounded my kinky girls who provide them with endless amounts of kisses. They have no real need to settle with one woman. They don’t need to get married in order to feel satisfied in their lives. They don’t even need to fall in love. This study is telling me that single men in California are fully satisfied in their lives because of all of the kinky, kissing women who sexually entertain them.
So what does Dean suggest we do?
I think that all of you unforgettable California Girls in your daisy dukes and bikinis on top should work on making yourselves just a little bit more forgettable. You need to seriously start considering how all of your kissing and kinky actions are affecting all of us non-kinky girls who are simply looking to fall in love! I suggest that you move your hot, sun-kissed skinned selves to Brooklyn, New York. According to this study, there are apparently a whole slew of single virgin men out there who I am sure would love nothing more than for you to melt their popsicles. So go ahead and leave all of the single unlonely men in California to us good, unkinky, and deserving girls who just want to find themselves boyfriends. And maybe, once you’re gone, we will find a way to truly make these California men happy (like how they are in Seattle, Washington).