Dean’s Letters to her Dating Contenders

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Dean is a dating advice expert.  And as an expert, we all know that it’s important to stay current with all of the hottest dating trends.  So this is why I have enlisted myself in some of today’s top dating sites around the world.  It’s not because I am looking for love, of course.  And it’s not because I am trying to get myself into some serious relationship.  I am on these dating sites strictly for the purpose of conducting research.  After all, I am Dean and dating is what I do.

As I am sure that you can imagine, as an expert in my field (and someone who also happens to have a great smile and hair) I get lots and lots of emails each day from boys who are asking me out.  Some of these emails are fairly normal; some are even witty.  But I am sad to report that most of the emails and messages that I receive are quite frightening.

Today’s post is a small glimpse into a day in the life of Dean’s top dating contenders.  Below are some responses that I have thoughtfully composed in my head but never took the time to actually send out.

Dear man with the Mullet who won’t stop contacting me,

You have a mullet.  Dean doesn’t date men with mullets.  Please stop contacting me.  I find you especially weird.

Love,

Dean

Dear Wealthy Foreign Painter,

Although I find it impressive that you have found a way to retire at the ripe age of 36 (and drive a Porsche), there is still something about you that I find odd.  Perhaps it’s that you spend the majority your days painting naked women.  But more importantly, I think it’s the fact that you stated in one of your emails to me that you couldn’t paint one particular woman quite yet because you were waiting for her pubic hair to grow in.  This is an especially weird thing for you to admit to me in an email.  I now think that you are a freak and I don’t ever want to date you.

Love,

Dean

Dear Guy who uses especially big words and who wants to be my pen pal,

I appreciate that you think that you and I “might be able to shed light upon the other’s dating perspective, for the purposes of personal edification”.   And I understand that you have no interest in dating me but would rather share with me a, “robust, no-holds-barred pen pal relationship”.  But I am not looking for a pen pal.  This is a dating site.  You are supposed to want to date me.  I think that you should ask some other girl to be your pen pal.

Love,

Dean

Dear Masturbator,

I think it’s gross that you just masturbated to one of my online profile photos.  I don’t want to date you and I would now like to report you to the police.  You should be arrested.

Love,

Dean

Dear Guy who used a photo of Hugh Grant as your profile picture,

Something tells me that you are not really Hugh Grant’s identical twin.  Although I do find you VERY attractive in “your” photo, I am guessing that in real life you are probably some personal identify thief and this scares me greatly.  Please don’t contact me again….unless in real life you really do look and sound like Hugh Grant.

Love,

Dean

Dear Guy with no Photo who can’t speak English well,

Although I appreciate that you added me to your favorites list and “sended me many massages”, you have no online photo and you do not speak English well.  I haven’t responded to your “massages” because I am not interested.  Trust me.  I have received all your “massages” to date but I do not want to “talk to you” as you are insisting that we do.  Please offer your “massages” to someone else.

Love,

Dean

Online dating can be a wonderful thing if at the end of the day it brings two fairly normal people together for the purpose of finding love.  But in a lot of ways, I find that online dating is more a collection of weirdos than anything else.  If you’re looking for real love, hit up any of the places that I recommend in my post “Dean’s Best Places to Meet a Guy”.  If you’re looking for entertainment (or a freak show), online dating might be the better bet.

Either way, Dean wishes all of her readers the best of luck in finding love.  Even you, Mr. Mullet!  And you, too, Mr. Wannabe Pen Pal!  Because at the end of the day, everyone deserves to have a little love in their lives.  Even if you are some crazy freak, just remember, there’s most likely some perfect little freak out there who’s waiting especially for you to contact her.  So in the mean time, stop writing to me (please) and start focusing your attention on her.  Because at the end of the day, it’ll bring us all just a little bit closer to finding love.

Dear Dean: Do I tell him that I like him?

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Question: So, let’s say I have a friend, and she is around 17 and is going to be a senior in high school, and there’s this guy, and he just graduated and is going to college out of state. She knows that there is probabaly nothing that’ll come out of it, but she feels inclined to tell him how she feels. Would it be ridiculous if she did? Would it be a good idea, or just weird (because he’s leaving)? suggestions?
Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

First of all, congratulations on making it to your senior year in high school!  This is a HUGE accomplishment and I promise you that your senior year is the most fun!

Now let’s get down to business: I ABSOLUTELY think that your “friend” should tell this college boy how she feels.  If you think about it, she really has nothing at all to lose.  If she tells the guy that she likes him and he confirms that he likes her back, he’ll be the prince and she’ll be the princess.  And it will be a love story if he just says yes.  (How’s that for a little Taylor Swift quote?)

On the flip side, if your “friend” tells the guy that she is interested in him and he confirms that he is not interested in her, he goes off to college (out of state somewhere) and ends up failing some of his freshman year classes.  This is the case because clearly he’s an idiot for not liking your “friend” in the first place.

Your “friend” on the other hand moves on and ends up having the time of her life being that cool senior girl that she is.  She’ll end up being the captain of the varsity cheerleading squad AND get asked to go to prom with the hottest boy in school.  By the time she gets crowned as Prom Queen at the end of next year, she will have completely forgotten about that stupid college boy who showed no interest in her the year before.

In all seriousness, Dean always advises her readers to be honest with their feelings.  If your “friend” doesn’t say something, she’ll never know what could possibly come of it.  Look, there is no guarantee that it will work out between your “friend” and this guy.  None at all.  But this doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t at least try.

I told my best friend that I liked him a few months ago and he stopped talking to me all together.  Am I upset that I told him my feelings?  Not in the slightest.  I know now that it wasn’t meant to be between us.  Since my confession to him, I’ve moved on and I now realize that there are WAY better catches out there for me anyway.  And this is the God honest truth.

So tell your “friend” to talk to this guy.  She has nothing to lose…except maybe her voice.  (This happens sometimes when you are nervous and have a big confession to make.)

Wish your “friend” all the luck in the world for me!  And let me know how it goes.

Lots of love,

Dean

For Men: Baby Accessorizing To Get a Girlfriend

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Are you a single guy looking for love in all the wrong places?  Are you finding no fine girls, just ugly faces?  Have you repeatedly tried the online dating scene only to find that there is not one single girl out there who you feel you click with?  Have you tried hitting on girls in a bar only to find that after your buzz starts to fade you’re just not that into her?  And have you ever tried to strike up a conversation with a girl in the supermarket, offering to test her melons, only to find that she runs away from you as quickly as possible in the opposite direction?

If you’ve experienced any of these situations, Dean is here to tell you that you are not going about meeting girls in the right way.  You need to erase everything that you’ve ever been taught about how to pick up a girl because what you’ve learned in the past is clearly not working for you.  Dean is here to inform you that it doesn’t have to be so hard to find a girl; and a girl who’s completely into you, no less!

Through extensive research, Dean has found that it’s not about trying to impress a girl with your words or with your actions that gets the girl in the end.  None of this really matters.  It turns out that in order to get the girl, it’s all about how you accessorize.  Yup, it’s true!  Now I know what you must be thinking at this point.  You’re probably saying to yourself, “But Dean, I’m not gay!  And I’m not about to wear a pink floral handkerchief in my left breast pocket just to win over some girl.  And I’m certainly not about to buy myself an argyle vest sweater just so that I can get myself a girlfriend.  It’s not going to happen!”

Don’t worry.  Dean is not here to turn you gay.  I promise.  What she is here to do is to tell you once and for all how to get yourself a girlfriend with almost little or no effort.  I mean can you imagine if you actually scored yourself a girlfriend without having to put any work into it?  It would be a dream come true, right?

When I use the word “accessorize” in this case, I am not talking about clothing.  I’m talking more specifically about a baby.  If you currently don’t own one (or have access to one), you absolutely need to find yourself a baby immediately.  Studies have shown that “baby accessories” are the only true way to get a girl to swoon after you…naturally.

I first developed this theory one day after I accompanied my girlfriend to pick up her daughter with her at school.  As my friend and I waited in the hallway for her daughter to get dismissed, I immediately became mesmerized by this one particular man who was waiting in the hallway with us.  He wasn’t anything special.  In fact, there was nothing about him that was really all that impressive.  His clothes were certainly not stylish.  He wore a white Hanes undershirt, his jeans were loose fitting and way too baggy to ever be considered fashionable, and his greasy hair was a mess.  He also had somewhat of a potbelly.  But none of this mattered to me that afternoon in the slightest.  I found myself feeling so attracted to this man.  And it certainly wasn’t because of his appearance but had everything to do with the fact that he was sporting a baby.

I couldn’t help but to stare at this man as he played with the young infant who was strapped tightly against the warmth of his beer belly in a navy blue Baby Bjorn baby carrier.  I watched as this man rubbed the baby’s head, played with his little arms, and held out his finger so that the baby could grip on to it.

Generally, I don’t care much for babies.  In fact, I never get excited by babies.  Dean is no baby lover.  But just watching this man interact with the small infant the way he did, made me instantly swoon.  I just couldn’t get enough of him.  As my girlfriend talked to me, I completely ignored everything she said.  I simply couldn’t concentrate on anything else that was happening around me.  All I could focus my attention and energy on that afternoon was this man…and the baby that was strapped tightly to his protruding belly.

As we walked out into the parking lot of the school, I stumbled not once…but twice as I gazed at the man with the baby walking toward his car.  I found myself in that moment wanting to know everything about him.  Was he married?  What kind of car did he drive?  Where was he going next?  And more importantly, could I go with him?

For weeks, I couldn’t stop thinking about this man.  There was nothing that I could do to erase the memory of this “baby daddy” from my head.  And that’s exactly how the idea of “baby accessorizing” for men came to me.  I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t thought of this method sooner.  I am a dating advice expert after all!  I mean it’s a clever dating technique that seems so obvious and so clear, right?

After conducting much research on my latest dating development, it turns out that “baby accessorizing” is a proven technique that’s actually been around for years.  But for whatever reason it is a method that is not widely practiced.  As you might recall, Hugh Grant actually used the “baby accessory” method in the movie, “About a Boy”.  His character, Will Freeman, tried to pass as a single dad in an effort to meet and date single moms.  He even went as far as to shop for all of the essential baby supplies to help convince the ladies that he had a baby.   (Note: Studies have shown that it is not necessary to purchase baby supplies in order to get a girl’s attention. The only accessory that is needed is the actual baby itself.)

So men, now that I have gotten you all excited about baby accessorizing, you are probably wondering, “Dean, how in the world am I going to get myself a baby”?  This is a great and valid concern.

Dean does not recommend that you make your own baby simply for the purpose of getting yourself a girlfriend (even though the process would most definitely be fun).  Making a baby not only takes a long time but it will also end up costing you a lot of money and energy in the long run.  Dean suggests borrowing a baby from a close friend.  Trust me: any good friend of yours would happily loan you their baby for a few hours if it meant that there was the possibility that you could find love.  (Note: although it helps to find a baby who somewhat resembles you, it is not crucial in making this plan work.  Don’t stress if you can’t find a baby who is your same ethnicity or skin color.  Any baby will do.  Remember, it’s not the actual baby that’s important but rather how you interact with the baby that will get yourself a girlfriend in the end.)

So men, if you want to get yourself a girlfriend, it’s time that you cancel that membership to match.com.  Stop going to bars to meet pathetic women.  And stop pretending that you actually shop for groceries in a supermarket.  (We all know that you don’t really cook anyway.)  All of this stuff is a total waste of time if you’re serious about finding love.  It’s time for you to score yourself a woman the only way that’s actually been proven to work…and go get yourself a baby!  Trust Dean.  Just a few hours with baby will eventually get you the lady.

(Note: If for whatever reason it is impossible for you to secure yourself a baby for a few hours, studies have shown that walking a puppy on a crowded sidewalk also works.  Visit your local SPCA or animal shelter and volunteer to be a dog walker.  You’ll not only being doing a good deed for your community but more importantly you’ll be doing a good deed for your love life!)

 

Dear Dean: I’m one offended paramedic

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Question: I really hope your EMT story is not serious.
If so, just remember a few things.
1) you are a patient, you are no different than any other no matter how attractive.
2) “but he saved me” its his job.
3) you now look at him like a hero, EMT’s dont want to be looked at as their significant others hero.
4) EMTs dont date patients.
5) if we happen to be at the hospital at another time, we like to check on our patients.

and finally
6. you can seriously hurt someone if you practice CPR on them.
Answer:

Dear Mr. Anonymous EMT,

First, I would like to thank you for teaching me all about EMT’s and their rules of conduct while on the job.  I can see that you have a lot of pride in your profession.  And I truly appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me.

However, I would like to point out to YOU that an EMT is no different from anyone else on the streets.  Just like a baker, a teacher, a barber, or even a bus driver, an EMT is simply another person in the neighborhood.  He’s a person that you meet, when you’re walking down the street.  And in my opinion, he’s fair game for dating just like anyone else.

I have taken the liberty of responding to each of your comments:

1)  I beg to differ.  I like to think that I am way cuter than most people who typically call into 911 with a serious back injury.  I’m even willing to bet that the EMT who saved my life that day enjoyed himself way more with me than he would have with someone who was older….or not as cute.  I’m just saying.

2)  Yes, saving me was his job.  But there’s no doubt that I made his job a lot more enjoyable that morning with my sunny personality and my superb flirting skills.

3)  I disagree.  My EMT LOVED it when I referred to him as a hero.  Kind of like how I liked it when he referred to me as his honey bunny.  I don’t think that your blanket statement applies to all EMT’s.

4)  Saying an EMT doesn’t date patients is like saying that doctors don’t date nurses.  Or that professors don’t date students.  Or that politicians don’t date their housekeepers.  In the real world, dating is fair game for EVERYONE!  We’re so fortunate and lucky to have these rights!

5) I am happy to hear that EMT’s visit their patients while they’re at the hospital.  I am willing to bet you though that my EMT visited me that day because he thought I was cute and he liked me.  What can I say?  Dean is a catch…even when she’s in the hospital!

6)  What if the guy is especially cute?  Can’t we make an exception to the rule with this one?  I like to think that performing CPR on a cute guy is totally acceptable.  And think about how romantic it would be if I actually saved him in the process of giving him CPR?!?!

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me.  And, if you happen to have any cute and single EMT friends, send them my way!  I love their big strong arms and I especially love how adorable they look in their sexy little uniforms.

Keep saving lives!

Love,
Dean

P.S. You are totally my new hero.

First Date? Dean Says: Make Him Pay!

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Picture this: You’re on your first date with a guy at a wine bar, the waiter delivers the check to your table, and the nerves begin to take over your entire body as you contemplate what exactly your next move should be.  Do you reach for your wallet in your purse?  Do you put down your own credit card and offer to pay for your portion of the bill?  Do you hand over a wad of cash to your date?  Or do you simply do nothing at all and just wait for the guy to take care of the bill it its entirety?  Throughout my many years of practicing dating, I have come across thousands of girls out there who have been struggling with this exact scenario.  So many readers are constantly writing in and asking, “Dean, what exactly is the protocol for who should pay on a first date?”

As a world-renowned dating advice expert, I have years of experience in dealing with this type of situation.  So to all of you girls out there who have been wondering how exactly you should be handling yourselves when the bill comes to your table, lucky for you, I have scientifically developed a fail-proof system for this exact scenario.  My plan effectively forces the man to pay for the first date while eliminating any stress that you may be experiencing due to not knowing how to approach the bill.  Allow Dean to put your mind at ease, once and for all, before you go out on your next first date.

First, it is important for all girls to recognize that it is absolutely 100% the man’s responsibility to cover the bill in its entirety on a first date.  There are no exceptions to this rule.  Ever.

Dating experts like myself, through years of study and observation, have determined that the “payment act” is the only accurate measure for truly understanding a man’s fundamental and inherent makeup.  The “payment act” (a term that was invented exclusively by Dean) is defined as, “a man’s willingness to pay for the bill on a first date”.  Scientific studies have shown that any man who expects a girl to pay for her portion of the bill, or worse off, who asks a girl to cover the entire cost bill, has something inherently wrong with him.  This is a huge warning sign (or sickness) that indicates to us dating specialists that the guy is extremely cheap and furthermore incapable of being a good boyfriend.

So, now that you have a better understanding about who is responsible for covering the cost of a first date, it will be much easier for you to follow the simple rules of my plan.

Dean’s Fail-Proof Guide for Getting a Guy to Pay for the First Date:

Step 1:  Next time the bill comes to your table when you are on a first date with a man, immediately ask yourself the question, “do I like this guy enough to want to see him again for a second date?”

If this answer to this question is “yes”, please proceed to step 2.  If this answer to this question is “no”, please skip ahead to step 3.

Step 2:  If you determined that you like your date enough to go out with him a second time, your next move is to perform the “wallet reach”.  The “wallet reach” (which was created exclusively by Dean) is defined as, “the act of pretending that you are “reaching” for your wallet deep within the confines of your purse”.  In performing this act, you want to make it appear as though you are really struggling to find your wallet in your purse.  The “struggle” in this step is necessary because it is essentially buying you time.  During this “struggle” phase,  your date is going to take notice of your difficulty in finding your wallet.  (Note: In order for this act to be most effective, it’s really important to make the struggle seem somewhat obvious.)  As your date watches you fumble through your purse, he will eventually feel inclined to say, “Please don’t worry about it.  I’ll handle the bill.”  Keep in mind, nice men do not like to see girls in stress.  As your date watches you “struggle”, he will automatically feel compelled to “save you”.

Step 3:  If you have determined that you are not interested in going on a second date, there is no need to perform the “wallet reach”.  In this scenario, my plan requires you to do absolutely nothing at all, (a.k.a. the “sit pretty” act).  The simple act of doing nothing when the bill comes, gives off the impression to your date that you are a spoiled brat.  And this is good!  Bear in mind that when you’re not interested in a guy, it is important that he is not interested in you either.  The “sit pretty” act will ensure that your date never contacts you again.  He will be so appalled by your spoiled girl behavior that he will be determined to pay the bill as quickly as possible and end the date immediately.  (Note: If you’ve never performed the “sit pretty” act before, it will be slightly uncomfortable for you.  And this is okay and quite normal.)  Like anything else in life, this is a move that will continue to get easier the more times you practice it.  Also keep in mind, that even though it feels wrong to not offer to pay for any portion of the bill, in the end, you are really doing both you and your date a favor.  Remember, the ultimate goal of step 3 is to get your date NOT to like you.

As you can see, by simply following the rules of my plan, you will never have to pay for a first date again!  My plan also effectively reduces any stress that typically comes along with the uncertainty of not knowing what to do when the bill comes. Remember, going on first date with a guy should be fun…and free.  So before you go out on your next first date with a guy, be prepared to either “struggle” or “sit pretty”.  In either scenario, just knowing how to handle yourself on your date will most certainly put your mind at ease.

So now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

(Note: Although it may come across from all of her extensive knowledge about dating and relationships that Dean is a doctor, bear in mind that Dean is not in fact a doctor in real life, nor does she play one on TV.  She does, however, often like to pretend for the purpose of her blog, that she knows what she is talking about.  While no official Ph.D. has been earned from any sort of accredited University, Dean plans to someday create a fake diploma to hang on the walls of her non-existent office.) 

 

‘Tis the Season for Dating with Sparks and Fireworks

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With the July 4th holiday almost upon us, what better time than now to discuss sparks, fireworks, and dating?  As you can imagine, being the renowned dating advice expert that I am, people are constantly approaching me on the streets to ask for my autograph.  And lately, I have noticed that while I am in the midst of signing all the t-shirts, autograph books, and posters, the one question that I repeatedly get asked is, “Dean, if I don’t feel the sparks for someone on our first date, should I go out with them a second time?”

Lots of dating advice experts would say that even if you don’t feel the chemistry after your first date with someone that you should still go out with him a second time, and possibly even a third.  This is because many experts believe that finding love is something that you have to work at.  As the expression goes: if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.  Some experts will even insist that the sparks are merely signs of infatuation, which are feelings based solely on “chemistry” rather than on really getting to know another person.

While I may have not have earned my Ph.D. in Love and Relationships from a top ranked university, I have gone on enough dates in my lifetime to know that if the sparks and fireworks aren’t there on date number one, they’re most certainly not going to be there on date number two (or three) either.  This is simply because you need to feel an attraction to your partner.

If you find that on your first encounter with someone you’re throwing up in your mouth a little, this is never a good sign.  Take it from me; that sickness that you are experiencing is not because you swallowed a bad piece of fish earlier in the day.  It’s most likely because you simply aren’t attracted to your date.  He’s probably ugly, boring, and doesn’t speak with a sexy English accent.  So the question that you need to be asking yourself in this situation is, that if your date isn’t all that and a bag of chips, what makes you think that any of this is going to change in time for your next encounter with him?  It’s not like your date is going to suddenly get adopted by a set of English parents and develop a sexy accent just in time for your second date.  Life just doesn’t happen that way.

I believe that in order to be in a loving and romantic relationship with someone, the sparks and fireworks need to be present from the second that you first meet.  For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about, the sparks and the fireworks is this nearly inexplicable feeling that’s exciting, breathtaking, mind-blowing, and spectacular all at the same time.  It’s a feeling that when you experience it, you just know that it’s there.  It’s a strong sensation that makes you want to get to know a person better.  And it should never, ever be mistaken for food poisoning.

But, if for whatever reason you are still uncertain about your feelings for your date, go in for a kiss.  A kiss can be very telling.  If there is deep connection, I promise you that you’ll instantly see fireworks.

So on this July 4th, my one wish for all of my readers out there is to experience that boom, boom, boom that’s even brighter than the moon, moon, moon.  Because it’s a thrill that everyone should get to experience…at least once in their lifetime.

 

Dean: A Former Abercrombie & Fitch Summer Girl

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It’s now officially the start of the summer, and I can’t help but to reminisce about the days when I used to work at Abercombie & Fitch.To this day, I still call my job at A&F the best job that I ever had.I worked as a “Brand Representative” (a.k.a. cashier) at the Boston Flagship store during the summer months between my junior and senior year of college.At that time, my store was the second largest A&F store in the country and it employed brand representatives from all over the United States.The Boston store was apparently the store that everyone wanted to work at.

At that time, A&F was known as a company that only hired people who they considered to be attractive.There was actually an A&F “look book” and if you met all of the criteria that was documented in this book, only then would you be considered for hire.So you could imagine my excitement when I first got offered my summer job at a staggering rate of $6.25 an hour.It was a dream come true for Dean!

The Boston store was sprawled out onto four floors.And depending on how attractive you were determined which floor you would work on.The best looking people worked on the first floor.These were the individuals who got to be the store “greeters”.The greeters were typically these beautiful young guys who stood in the entranceway, bare-chested, tossing around a football, while greeting the 13-year old girls as they skipped into the store…with their moms.The second floor housed the brand representatives who were considered to be good-looking but not quite good looking enough to go bare-chested.I worked on the third floor…but didn’t mind for one second.I was a) pleased not to be on the fourth floor and b) simply felt honored on a daily basis that I had scored such an influential job.

Spending my summer days and nights at A&F were some of the best times of my life. I was constantly surrounded by a plethora of boys all of whom at one point or another, I wanted to date.And I certainly wasn’t alone in my quest to get to know each of my male co-workers.I can say with absolute confidence that everyone who worked at our store had a similar mindset.

The brand representatives were constantly sneaking off into fitting rooms, the elevators, the break room, or even the stock room down in the basement to make out.The boys would cleverly drop hangers on the floor and watch as the girls would slowly bend down to pick them up.And the girls were always there to “offer advice” to the boys on helping them to select outfits to wear.This was a ploy so that they could watch the boys undress in the fitting rooms.Let’s just say that the brand representatives were very good at finding a way to do anything…but actually work.

The only requirement to get a job at A&F was to be good looking.That’s it.It was the one place that didn’t matter if you were smart or not.My very first summer crush at A&F was, Dense.(Note: Dense is not his real name but rather a carefully selected name that I have chosen for him in order to help conceal his true identity.) When I first met Dense, he introduced himself to me as an M.I.T.Being that our store was in Boston, I had automatically made the assumption that he was a student at M.I.T. (Massachusetts Institute of Technology).Of course, I couldn’t help but to be attracted to Dense.I mean here was this beautiful (and obviously smart individual).What girl wouldn’t be attracted to him?He was the complete-package.But after a few days of getting to know him, I was a bit confused as to how he actually got into M.I.T. in the first place.

Dense and I went out for lunch together one afternoon.When I asked him what town he lived in, he responded with a one-word answer, “Guess”.

“Um, Brookline?”I guessed.

“Nope.”He responded.

“Allston?”I guessed again.

“Nope.” He responded.

“Cambridge?”I asked beginning to feel somewhat annoyed by his silly little game.

“Nope.”He responded without seeming the least bit phased by how dumb our conversation actually was.

As we continued to eat our lunch together that afternoon, not a lot of words were exchanged.I never did find out what town he lived in.But I did learn that he had a tattoo on his six-pack abs.The tattoo was of the word, “Mom” and the “O” was perfectly centered on his bellybutton.I remember not really knowing what exactly to think about his tattoo. The whole “mom” thing just seemed so weird to me.

A few days later, I learned that Dense was not actually a student at M.I.T. but rather he was a “Manager in Training”.The A&F manager’s program typically lasts about 6 weeks.Dense had been transferred over to our store from another store and had been training for the manager role for over 6 months.Even though it was taking him longer than expected to grasp the concept of becoming a manager, he would never be fired from the Company.He was beautiful after all.

After I officially decided that Dense was too dumb to date, I moved on to another brand representative from Ohio named, Gabe. (Note: Gabe is not his real name but rather a carefully selected name that I have chosen for him in order to help conceal his true identity.)Much like Dense, Gabe was also beautiful.But he was beautiful in a completely different way.Dense was a “jock” whereas Gabe was much prettier with a set of piercing blue eyes, a button nose, and perfectly waxed eyebrows.Throughout the first part of the summer, Gabe and I became very close.We would always spend our breaks together, talk on the phone with each other when we weren’t at work, and had very deep conversations about our favorite articles of clothing in the store.I remember feeling absolutely beside myself with excitement when he finally asked me to go and see the movie “Clueless” with him.My beautiful friend, Gabe, who I had been crushing on for several weeks at that point, had finally asked me out on a legitimate date!We shared a bucket of popcorn together at the movies and I was feeling like I was on cloud 9 that night.

At the end of the movie, I walked back to his place with him praying that we would share our first kiss that night.But when I got to his place he put his hand on my knee and said, “Remember that part in the movie when Cher had a huge crush on Christian and he turned out to be gay?”

“Yeah?”I said.

“It’s like you and I are replaying that very same part in the movie right now!”He said with a huge grin on his face.

And that’s exactly how I learned that Gabe was gay.A few days later, I also learned that he had a boyfriend back home in Ohio.

I felt slightly defeated at that moment.But luckily that feeling did not last for too long.I did work at A&F after all and that did mean that there were plenty of other good-looking guys at my store who I could crush on.

So that’s exactly what I did.Next I moved on to, Ty Tyson, the hot brand representative who was visiting Boston for the summer from Arkansas. (Note: Ty Tyson is not his real name but rather a carefully selected name that I have chosen for him in order to help conceal his true identity.)It turns out that Ty Tyson grew up on a farm right smack in the heart of the Bible Belt.This meant that he had never seen (or talked) to a Jewish person before me.Ty Tyson loved to ask me all sorts of questions about Judaism and what it was like to attend a “Jewish Church” (This was the term he used to describe a Temple.)And I reciprocated by asking him all sorts of questions about what it was like to grow up on a farm riding a tractor and raising chickens.

Ty Tyson and I were like two peas in a pod.Actually, I take that back. We didn’t have a single thing in common. But none of that really mattered at the end of the day because Ty Tyson and I had decided to officially go steady…for the rest of the summer. (i.e. about two weeks) He was beautiful and he taught me how to fold a pair of men’s pants like no one else could.We spent many nights together toward the end of that summer, folding men’s pants together for the “pant wall” and having all sorts of deep discussions about our unparalleled lives. Ty Tyson was the best summer fling a girl could have ever wished for.

I learned a lot from my job at A&F that summer. But the most important lesson I learned is that you don’t have to be smart to be successful.You just have to be pretty.Really pretty. Because good looks will get you everywhere in life…well at least that was the case at Abercrombie & Fitch.

For Guys: How to Win a Girl in One Date

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It’s a Wednesday night and you finally landed yourself a date with that hot girl you winked at on match.com a few weeks ago.  You can tell from just reading her profile alone (and from scrutinizing over her photos) that this girl is someone who you can envision taking home to your parents.  In your mind, you are already planning on taking her as your date to your best friend’s wedding in a few months.  And you can even picture someday having children with this girl.  Let’s face it.  You’ve got the hots for her real bad!  So what are some things that you can you do to ensure that she sticks around long enough for date number two?  Luckily, Dean has advice for what you can do on your first date to help you to win over the girl of your dreams for good!

For starters, you should always come to the first date with a set of freshly brushed teeth.  Trust me, boys, when I tell you, girls not only appreciate the scent of minty fresh breath but they also take notice right away when there is food caught in your teeth.

Next, enlist your waitress (without your date knowing) to help you win over your girl.  Let her know that you are on a first date with someone very special.  Like any good waitress who is properly trained in this type of situation, she should be there ready to assist you in your cause to get this girl.  A well-trained waitress will clap for the both of you and make some sort of sappy scene every time she passes your table.  If she knows what she is doing, the waitress can also make subtle winks at your date, which is the girl code for secretly implying that the guy is a total catch.  Guys, if you want to win over your girl, take all the help that you can get.  Remember, your waitress is there to “serve” you!  Make your waitress earn her tip!  Note: if you land a second date by the end of the evening, a 25% tip is highly recommended.

Another great thing you can do on a first date to win over the girl of your dreams is to casually drop a credit card on the street while you are walking together.  Bend down to pick up the card and pretend to be overly concerned.  A great line in this case is, “Oh no!  It seems as though someone lost their credit card!  I better take it home with me and make sure that no one else uses it.  I’ll find a way to contact her in the morning and make sure to get this card back to her”.  Then proceed to slip the card into your wallet.  Note: The lost credit card trick only works with a borrowed credit card.  You never want to use one of your own cards just in case your date happens to look at the name on the card.  You also need to be very careful that your date is looking in another direction when you perform the actual card drop on the street.  If she does by chance happen to notice you dropping the card, simply pretend that you dropped your own card.  Do NOT continue to act like a concerned citizen in this instance.  This can cause some serious consequences.

To score additional points with your dream girl, it always helps to engage with a homeless person.  Offering out change or better yet, handing over your leftovers from dinner to a homeless person is a great way to impress a girl.  Even more impressive is shedding a single tear after your handout and saying something like, “I wish that there was a way for me to help every homeless person on the streets.  This is why I have recently started to volunteer at the local food shelter every Sunday.”  Trust me, any girl would be crazy not to swoon over your in-genuine acts of kindness with the homeless.

And lastly, if you really want to impress your girl, let her know that your freezer is fully stalked at all times with a wide variety of different flavored ice creams.  Remember, all girls love ice cream.  Even if she wasn’t ever considering going home with you after the first date, planting the seed in her mind that there is a handsome reward (besides yourself) just waiting for her at your apartment, gives her something serious to contemplate before she says her good-byes for the evening.

And, if for some reason, by the end of the night you are still not feeling like you have completely won over your dream date, suddenly begin to speak with an accent.  Whether it be Southern, English, or Australian, all girls love men with accents.  Note: if she questions you about why you are now speaking with an accent that wasn’t there earlier in the night, you can always say, “I try as hard as I can to get rid of my accent but sometimes when I drink (or eat pizza if you are not drinking — really any excuse can work here.  Just fill in the blank.) my accent comes out.  Speaking with an accent (especially a charming one) is a sure way to win over any girl.

So guys, before you go out on your next first date with the girl who could be “the one”, make sure that you are thoroughly prepared to win this girl over.  Remember, in life, you only get one chance to make a good first impression.  So, do all of your necessary preparations before your important date and keep in mind that if she’s really “the one”, she’s going to appreciate you for the man you want to be AND for the man that you almost are.

Dean’s Best Places to Meet a Guy

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Single girls are constantly stopping me in the streets to ask me, “Hey, Dean!  Where is the best place to meet a guy?”  Apparently it’s the one question that every single girl is dying to know the answer to.  So here is my advice to all of you single girls out there who are looking to find your mate.

A lot of people think that the best place to meet a guy is at a bar.  This is actually the furthest thing from the truth.  Meeting a man at a bar has the potential for being disastrous!  For starters, a bar is the one place where people generally go to get drunk.  And keep in mind, you never want your first encounter with your future husband to be while you are both wasted.  Just think, if this actually happened, 10 years from now you and your husband will be forced to lie to your hypothetical children and tell them that you really met at some cute café with nice linens on the tables instead of at a bar.  And lying to your non-existent children is never a good thing.  Bear in mind, it’s also very difficult to have any sort of meaningful conversation while at a bar.

So now that you know where not to go to meet a guy, allow me to tell you the best places to go to meet a man.

Dean’s Top 5 List of the Best Places to Meet a Man

1.     A Courthouse.  Most people hate when they get summoned to report in for jury duty.  But not me.  I look at this as the perfect opportunity to meet my future husband.  For starters, there are always lawyers present in a courthouse and we all know that dating a lawyer has some huge perks. Lawyers not only make really good money but they are also known to look amazing in suits and shirts with cufflinks.  Be sure that before you go to court, you are looking your absolute best!
Note: there also tend to be quite a few criminals in a courthouse.  Try to avoid any and all contact with the criminals (even if they whistle at you while you are walking down the hallway).  Dean strongly advises against dating a criminal.

 

2.     On a Bus or Subway.  Really any mode of public transportation is a great way to meet a guy.  If you see someone who you find attractive, first remember to look at his ring finger and make sure that it’s bare.  Once confirmed that he is not married, make it your business to stand or sit next to him.   If on a bus, I recommend performing “the seat slide”.  The seat slide is a move that I invented that involves “sliding into” the man seated next to you.  It’s a great way to initiate skin-on-skin contact without seeming too kinky.  When on a subway, I recommend the “pole slide”.  The pole slide is fairly similar to the seat slide but involves sliding down the subway pole.  As you make your way down the pole, gently bump into your target before landing conveniently at his feet.  In my experience, I find that men thoroughly enjoy the pole slide.  I think it’s because they associate this move with pole dancing…

3.     An Apple Store.  I try to bring my MacBook into the Apple Store at least once a month.  Between the Genius Bar employees and the number of men who bring in their Apple products in to get repaired, the Apple Store is a great venue for meeting a man.  Last week, I pretended to be a Genius Bar worker and asked the good-looking man seated next to me how I could assist him.  After he confessed to me the problem with his computer, I attempted to fix it for him by hitting Ctrl-Alt-Del.  Now let’s be honest here, Dean has no idea how to fix a computer.  But when it comes to striking up a conversation with a guy, she clearly knows what she’s doing!
Note: Never advise someone at an Apple store to hit Ctrl-Alt-Del on his computer.  Apparently, this feature does not work on Apple products…who knew?

 

4.     A gym.  A gym is a great place to meet a guy because it’s the one place where girls are dressed in tight-fitting spandex outfits that show off all of their curves and guys are dressed in shorts that flaunt their muscular legs.  When approaching a man in a gym, I like to play dumb and pretend that I’ve never been in a gym before.  Asking questions like, “what is a treadmill?” and “will this machine make my butt look skinny?” is a great way to initiate a conversation with a guy in a gym.   Playing dumb works especially well in a gym environment because it allows for a man to demonstrate how to use the fitness equipment while you are checking out his equipment.

5.     A Mattress Store.  Choosing the right mattress can sometimes be a daunting task.  But, a sure way to make this process more pleasurable is with the help of a man.  Let’s face it.  A mattress store is a great way to meet a man because everyone at some point (i.e. doctors, pirates, actors, milkmen, and mailmen) needs a mattress.  And we all know that the only way to find a good mattress is to test out a bunch of them.  So, my recommendation is to go into a mattress store and start testing away!  If you see a guy in the store who peaks your interest, get into bed with him!  It’s not only a fantastic way to start a conversation with a man, but it’s also a great way to test your new bed with a man in it!  And if you’re really feeling frisky, you can always ask your new mattress partner to spoon you.
Note: Never volunteer to be the big spoon while mattress testing with a stranger.  This gesture could give off the wrong impression to your future husband.  You always want the man to feel like he’s the man in the relationship.  Making him be the little spoon could be emasculating to him.

So to all my single female readers out there, stop going into bars to meet your future husband.  I promise you.  He’s not there.  Your future husband is on some mattress somewhere just waiting for you to spoon with him.



Dean’s Top 6 Boyfriend Nice to Have List

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I’ve been on a lot of dates lately.  And I can’t help but notice that every guy I go out with asks me the same question on our first date.  He wants to know what my type of guy is.

I’m not going to lie here.  I think that this is a really dumb question to ask a girl, especially on a first date.  Is there really not anything more interesting to talk about?  I mean, what exactly is the point of even asking this question in the first place?  News flash boys:  Every girl on the planet is going to answer this question in the same way.  We all want someone who is smart, funny, and attractive.  That’s our checklist; that’s our type.  I mean any girl who says that she doesn’t want any of these things is lying.  Or she’s just weird. Because this would mean that she wants someone who is short, boring, and dumb.  And no girl in her right mind would ever openly admit that to a guy, especially on a first date when she’s trying to impress him.

Let’s face it.  These days, I’d be happy to just find a guy who I actually like to hang out with and spend time with.  At this point in my life I’ve dated every type of guy there is.  I have dated the ugly, I’ve dated the old, the young, the Pirates in the Caribbean, the Paramedics, the Lawyers, the Super-Jews, the married ones, the guys with the nice apartments and the guys who still live with their parents.  I have dated the meat-eaters, the vegans, and the kosher ones.  I have dated the dog lovers, cat lovers, and even squirrel lovers.  I have dated the tattooed and the pierced, the cyclists and the yoga enthusiasts.  I think it’s pretty safe to say that Dean doesn’t exactly discriminate when it comes to dating men.  I have no “type”.

That being said, there are of course, some nice-to-have traits that I wouldn’t object to my boyfriend having….I like to refer to these traits as the “boyfriend bonuses”.

Dean’s Boyfriend Nice to Have List

  1. A man with a lisp.  What can I say?  I am a sucker for a man with a lisp or someone with a slight speech impediment.  Typically, when I hear a man speak with a lisp, I find myself immediately wondering if he is going to be my next boyfriend.

 

  • A man with impressive laundry facilities.  How great would it be to find a guy who has his very own washing machine and a dryer?  He’d score even more bonus points if he has a front-loader machine (with the steam option).
  • An accent.  I like English and Australian accents best but any kind of accent will do, really.  Special bonus points for any man who has an accent and a lisp.
  • A man who can’t sing.  I love men who are tone-deaf.  Yup.  It’s true.  I know this is an odd one but there’s something particularly funny to me about a boy who cannot sing but still tries to anyway.  Girls always say that they want boyfriends or husbands who make them laugh.  To me, there is nothing more funny (or more sexy) than a tone-deaf man who loves to sing out loud.
  • A man in a uniform.  This can range from doctor’s scrubs to a Paramedic uniform.  (Note: this does not include the white shirt/white pant uniform that waiters at the Cheesecake Factory are required to wear.  I find this look to be very unappealing.)  I also don’t fancy the brown MUNI bus driver uniform.  But I do, however, very much like the brown UPS uniform.
  • A non-married man.  At this point in my life, I’d prefer my boyfriend not to married to someone else while he’s dating me.  What can I say?  The married men seem to dig me.  The problem with this is that they also seem to dig their wives at the same time.  Dean is selfish in this regard.  I don’t want to have to share my boyfriend.

 

So, to the next guy out there who asks me on our first date what my type of guy is: My answer is, I am looking for an unmarried, tone-deaf Englishman with a lisp who dresses in a crisp, freshly laundered UPS uniform.

And to my readers out there, if any of you happen to know of a guy who fits this bill, please send him my way.  Dean is anxiously standing by.

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