Dean is now accepting submissions for the first ever “Date Dean” contest. Those men who are single, straight, and looking for love, are highly encouraged to apply to be Dean’s boyfriend. To enter this contest, entrants must submit a photo of either themselves or someone they know as well as a short explanation as to why they deserve to date Dean to firstname.lastname@example.org. At the close of the contest, Dean will carefully select an appropriate boyfriend for herself from the pool of candidates. The contest winner will not only become Dean’s boyfriend but he will also have a chance to live happily ever after with Dean.
The “Date Dean” contest encourages single men who are looking for love—real love—ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love to properly woo Dean. The lucky winner of the Lifetime of Happiness with Dean Award will have the incredible opportunity to prove to Dean that chivalry is not dead. The winner will be able to take Dean out for long walks on the beach, make her laugh, and buy her flowers. He will also be able to cook fine meals for her, read her poetry, and bring her on amazing trips all around the world.
This contest will run for a limited time: Photo submissions and emailed entry forms must be submitted by 11:59 p.m. PST on February 13, 2012. (Dean wants to have a boyfriend in time for Valentine’s Day.)
The Fine Print
To be eligible to participate in the “Date Dean” contest, entrants must be straight, single, somewhat tall, and between the ages of 32 – 42. Special treatment will be granted to those entrants who speak with an English accent, lisp, or who own a front-loading washing machine and dryer. Those candidates who are Herpes negative, felony free, literate, have a positive IQ, are gainfully employed, not currently enrolled in a 12-step program, and who have fine taste in jewelry are highly encouraged to enter this contest. Pizza enthusiasts who are pro-ice cream are also highly encouraged to enter.
Those who are itchy, have bad breath or rotting teeth, are audible farters, or who suffer from toe fungus, athletes foot, or any type of fur (back, feet, or palm), or who have any weird fetishes should not enter this contest. Those who are small enough to fit into Dean’s size 27 waist jeans or who wear jeans himself that are ripped in inappropriate places should also not enter this contest. Men who have ever been called a douchebag by a girl or who have ever broken up with a girl on her birthday need not apply. Men who deem it okay to break up with a girl via text, fax, Twitter, Facebook, or Post-it notes also need not apply. Men who claim to be divorced must be able to produce a certified copy of his divorce papers upon request.
UPS drivers with nice packages are required to apply according to California State Law.
Dean’s kind of a big deal, but don’t just take her word for it. Here’s what some of her friends have to say about her: