Are you a single guy looking for love in all the wrong places? Are you finding no fine girls, just ugly faces? Have you repeatedly tried the online dating scene only to find that there is not one single girl out there who you feel you click with? Have you tried hitting on girls in a bar only to find that after your buzz starts to fade you’re just not that into her? And have you ever tried to strike up a conversation with a girl in the supermarket, offering to test her melons, only to find that she runs away from you as quickly as possible in the opposite direction?
If you’ve experienced any of these situations, Dean is here to tell you that you are not going about meeting girls in the right way. You need to erase everything that you’ve ever been taught about how to pick up a girl because what you’ve learned in the past is clearly not working for you. Dean is here to inform you that it doesn’t have to be so hard to find a girl; and a girl who’s completely into you, no less!
Through extensive research, Dean has found that it’s not about trying to impress a girl with your words or with your actions that gets the girl in the end. None of this really matters. It turns out that in order to get the girl, it’s all about how you accessorize. Yup, it’s true! Now I know what you must be thinking at this point. You’re probably saying to yourself, “But Dean, I’m not gay! And I’m not about to wear a pink floral handkerchief in my left breast pocket just to win over some girl. And I’m certainly not about to buy myself an argyle vest sweater just so that I can get myself a girlfriend. It’s not going to happen!”
Don’t worry. Dean is not here to turn you gay. I promise. What she is here to do is to tell you once and for all how to get yourself a girlfriend with almost little or no effort. I mean can you imagine if you actually scored yourself a girlfriend without having to put any work into it? It would be a dream come true, right?
When I use the word “accessorize” in this case, I am not talking about clothing. I’m talking more specifically about a baby. If you currently don’t own one (or have access to one), you absolutely need to find yourself a baby immediately. Studies have shown that “baby accessories” are the only true way to get a girl to swoon after you…naturally.
I first developed this theory one day after I accompanied my girlfriend to pick up her daughter with her at school. As my friend and I waited in the hallway for her daughter to get dismissed, I immediately became mesmerized by this one particular man who was waiting in the hallway with us. He wasn’t anything special. In fact, there was nothing about him that was really all that impressive. His clothes were certainly not stylish. He wore a white Hanes undershirt, his jeans were loose fitting and way too baggy to ever be considered fashionable, and his greasy hair was a mess. He also had somewhat of a potbelly. But none of this mattered to me that afternoon in the slightest. I found myself feeling so attracted to this man. And it certainly wasn’t because of his appearance but had everything to do with the fact that he was sporting a baby.
I couldn’t help but to stare at this man as he played with the young infant who was strapped tightly against the warmth of his beer belly in a navy blue Baby Bjorn baby carrier. I watched as this man rubbed the baby’s head, played with his little arms, and held out his finger so that the baby could grip on to it.
Generally, I don’t care much for babies. In fact, I never get excited by babies. Dean is no baby lover. But just watching this man interact with the small infant the way he did, made me instantly swoon. I just couldn’t get enough of him. As my girlfriend talked to me, I completely ignored everything she said. I simply couldn’t concentrate on anything else that was happening around me. All I could focus my attention and energy on that afternoon was this man…and the baby that was strapped tightly to his protruding belly.
As we walked out into the parking lot of the school, I stumbled not once…but twice as I gazed at the man with the baby walking toward his car. I found myself in that moment wanting to know everything about him. Was he married? What kind of car did he drive? Where was he going next? And more importantly, could I go with him?
For weeks, I couldn’t stop thinking about this man. There was nothing that I could do to erase the memory of this “baby daddy” from my head. And that’s exactly how the idea of “baby accessorizing” for men came to me. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t thought of this method sooner. I am a dating advice expert after all! I mean it’s a clever dating technique that seems so obvious and so clear, right?
After conducting much research on my latest dating development, it turns out that “baby accessorizing” is a proven technique that’s actually been around for years. But for whatever reason it is a method that is not widely practiced. As you might recall, Hugh Grant actually used the “baby accessory” method in the movie, “About a Boy”. His character, Will Freeman, tried to pass as a single dad in an effort to meet and date single moms. He even went as far as to shop for all of the essential baby supplies to help convince the ladies that he had a baby. (Note: Studies have shown that it is not necessary to purchase baby supplies in order to get a girl’s attention. The only accessory that is needed is the actual baby itself.)
So men, now that I have gotten you all excited about baby accessorizing, you are probably wondering, “Dean, how in the world am I going to get myself a baby”? This is a great and valid concern.
Dean does not recommend that you make your own baby simply for the purpose of getting yourself a girlfriend (even though the process would most definitely be fun). Making a baby not only takes a long time but it will also end up costing you a lot of money and energy in the long run. Dean suggests borrowing a baby from a close friend. Trust me: any good friend of yours would happily loan you their baby for a few hours if it meant that there was the possibility that you could find love. (Note: although it helps to find a baby who somewhat resembles you, it is not crucial in making this plan work. Don’t stress if you can’t find a baby who is your same ethnicity or skin color. Any baby will do. Remember, it’s not the actual baby that’s important but rather how you interact with the baby that will get yourself a girlfriend in the end.)
So men, if you want to get yourself a girlfriend, it’s time that you cancel that membership to match.com. Stop going to bars to meet pathetic women. And stop pretending that you actually shop for groceries in a supermarket. (We all know that you don’t really cook anyway.) All of this stuff is a total waste of time if you’re serious about finding love. It’s time for you to score yourself a woman the only way that’s actually been proven to work…and go get yourself a baby! Trust Dean. Just a few hours with baby will eventually get you the lady.
(Note: If for whatever reason it is impossible for you to secure yourself a baby for a few hours, studies have shown that walking a puppy on a crowded sidewalk also works. Visit your local SPCA or animal shelter and volunteer to be a dog walker. You’ll not only being doing a good deed for your community but more importantly you’ll be doing a good deed for your love life!)