Monthly Archives: July 2011

Dean’s Letters to her Dating Contenders

19 Tuesday Jul 2011

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Dean is a dating advice expert.  And as an expert, we all know that it’s important to stay current with all of the hottest dating trends.  So this is why I have enlisted myself in some of today’s top dating sites around the world.  It’s not because I am looking for love, of course.  And it’s not because I am trying to get myself into some serious relationship.  I am on these dating sites strictly for the purpose of conducting research.  After all, I am Dean and dating is what I do.

As I am sure that you can imagine, as an expert in my field (and someone who also happens to have a great smile and hair) I get lots and lots of emails each day from boys who are asking me out.  Some of these emails are fairly normal; some are even witty.  But I am sad to report that most of the emails and messages that I receive are quite frightening.

Today’s post is a small glimpse into a day in the life of Dean’s top dating contenders.  Below are some responses that I have thoughtfully composed in my head but never took the time to actually send out.

Dear man with the Mullet who won’t stop contacting me,

You have a mullet.  Dean doesn’t date men with mullets.  Please stop contacting me.  I find you especially weird.

Love,

Dean

Dear Wealthy Foreign Painter,

Although I find it impressive that you have found a way to retire at the ripe age of 36 (and drive a Porsche), there is still something about you that I find odd.  Perhaps it’s that you spend the majority your days painting naked women.  But more importantly, I think it’s the fact that you stated in one of your emails to me that you couldn’t paint one particular woman quite yet because you were waiting for her pubic hair to grow in.  This is an especially weird thing for you to admit to me in an email.  I now think that you are a freak and I don’t ever want to date you.

Love,

Dean

Dear Guy who uses especially big words and who wants to be my pen pal,

I appreciate that you think that you and I “might be able to shed light upon the other’s dating perspective, for the purposes of personal edification”.   And I understand that you have no interest in dating me but would rather share with me a, “robust, no-holds-barred pen pal relationship”.  But I am not looking for a pen pal.  This is a dating site.  You are supposed to want to date me.  I think that you should ask some other girl to be your pen pal.

Love,

Dean

Dear Masturbator,

I think it’s gross that you just masturbated to one of my online profile photos.  I don’t want to date you and I would now like to report you to the police.  You should be arrested.

Love,

Dean

Dear Guy who used a photo of Hugh Grant as your profile picture,

Something tells me that you are not really Hugh Grant’s identical twin.  Although I do find you VERY attractive in “your” photo, I am guessing that in real life you are probably some personal identify thief and this scares me greatly.  Please don’t contact me again….unless in real life you really do look and sound like Hugh Grant.

Love,

Dean

Dear Guy with no Photo who can’t speak English well,

Although I appreciate that you added me to your favorites list and “sended me many massages”, you have no online photo and you do not speak English well.  I haven’t responded to your “massages” because I am not interested.  Trust me.  I have received all your “massages” to date but I do not want to “talk to you” as you are insisting that we do.  Please offer your “massages” to someone else.

Love,

Dean

Online dating can be a wonderful thing if at the end of the day it brings two fairly normal people together for the purpose of finding love.  But in a lot of ways, I find that online dating is more a collection of weirdos than anything else.  If you’re looking for real love, hit up any of the places that I recommend in my post “Dean’s Best Places to Meet a Guy”.  If you’re looking for entertainment (or a freak show), online dating might be the better bet.

Either way, Dean wishes all of her readers the best of luck in finding love.  Even you, Mr. Mullet!  And you, too, Mr. Wannabe Pen Pal!  Because at the end of the day, everyone deserves to have a little love in their lives.  Even if you are some crazy freak, just remember, there’s most likely some perfect little freak out there who’s waiting especially for you to contact her.  So in the mean time, stop writing to me (please) and start focusing your attention on her.  Because at the end of the day, it’ll bring us all just a little bit closer to finding love.

Dear Dean: Do I tell him that I like him?

15 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by in Ask Dean

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Question: So, let’s say I have a friend, and she is around 17 and is going to be a senior in high school, and there’s this guy, and he just graduated and is going to college out of state. She knows that there is probabaly nothing that’ll come out of it, but she feels inclined to tell him how she feels. Would it be ridiculous if she did? Would it be a good idea, or just weird (because he’s leaving)? suggestions?
Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

First of all, congratulations on making it to your senior year in high school!  This is a HUGE accomplishment and I promise you that your senior year is the most fun!

Now let’s get down to business: I ABSOLUTELY think that your “friend” should tell this college boy how she feels.  If you think about it, she really has nothing at all to lose.  If she tells the guy that she likes him and he confirms that he likes her back, he’ll be the prince and she’ll be the princess.  And it will be a love story if he just says yes.  (How’s that for a little Taylor Swift quote?)

On the flip side, if your “friend” tells the guy that she is interested in him and he confirms that he is not interested in her, he goes off to college (out of state somewhere) and ends up failing some of his freshman year classes.  This is the case because clearly he’s an idiot for not liking your “friend” in the first place.

Your “friend” on the other hand moves on and ends up having the time of her life being that cool senior girl that she is.  She’ll end up being the captain of the varsity cheerleading squad AND get asked to go to prom with the hottest boy in school.  By the time she gets crowned as Prom Queen at the end of next year, she will have completely forgotten about that stupid college boy who showed no interest in her the year before.

In all seriousness, Dean always advises her readers to be honest with their feelings.  If your “friend” doesn’t say something, she’ll never know what could possibly come of it.  Look, there is no guarantee that it will work out between your “friend” and this guy.  None at all.  But this doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t at least try.

I told my best friend that I liked him a few months ago and he stopped talking to me all together.  Am I upset that I told him my feelings?  Not in the slightest.  I know now that it wasn’t meant to be between us.  Since my confession to him, I’ve moved on and I now realize that there are WAY better catches out there for me anyway.  And this is the God honest truth.

So tell your “friend” to talk to this guy.  She has nothing to lose…except maybe her voice.  (This happens sometimes when you are nervous and have a big confession to make.)

Wish your “friend” all the luck in the world for me!  And let me know how it goes.

Lots of love,

Dean

For Men: Baby Accessorizing To Get a Girlfriend

14 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by in Dating Advice

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Are you a single guy looking for love in all the wrong places?  Are you finding no fine girls, just ugly faces?  Have you repeatedly tried the online dating scene only to find that there is not one single girl out there who you feel you click with?  Have you tried hitting on girls in a bar only to find that after your buzz starts to fade you’re just not that into her?  And have you ever tried to strike up a conversation with a girl in the supermarket, offering to test her melons, only to find that she runs away from you as quickly as possible in the opposite direction?

If you’ve experienced any of these situations, Dean is here to tell you that you are not going about meeting girls in the right way.  You need to erase everything that you’ve ever been taught about how to pick up a girl because what you’ve learned in the past is clearly not working for you.  Dean is here to inform you that it doesn’t have to be so hard to find a girl; and a girl who’s completely into you, no less!

Through extensive research, Dean has found that it’s not about trying to impress a girl with your words or with your actions that gets the girl in the end.  None of this really matters.  It turns out that in order to get the girl, it’s all about how you accessorize.  Yup, it’s true!  Now I know what you must be thinking at this point.  You’re probably saying to yourself, “But Dean, I’m not gay!  And I’m not about to wear a pink floral handkerchief in my left breast pocket just to win over some girl.  And I’m certainly not about to buy myself an argyle vest sweater just so that I can get myself a girlfriend.  It’s not going to happen!”

Don’t worry.  Dean is not here to turn you gay.  I promise.  What she is here to do is to tell you once and for all how to get yourself a girlfriend with almost little or no effort.  I mean can you imagine if you actually scored yourself a girlfriend without having to put any work into it?  It would be a dream come true, right?

When I use the word “accessorize” in this case, I am not talking about clothing.  I’m talking more specifically about a baby.  If you currently don’t own one (or have access to one), you absolutely need to find yourself a baby immediately.  Studies have shown that “baby accessories” are the only true way to get a girl to swoon after you…naturally.

I first developed this theory one day after I accompanied my girlfriend to pick up her daughter with her at school.  As my friend and I waited in the hallway for her daughter to get dismissed, I immediately became mesmerized by this one particular man who was waiting in the hallway with us.  He wasn’t anything special.  In fact, there was nothing about him that was really all that impressive.  His clothes were certainly not stylish.  He wore a white Hanes undershirt, his jeans were loose fitting and way too baggy to ever be considered fashionable, and his greasy hair was a mess.  He also had somewhat of a potbelly.  But none of this mattered to me that afternoon in the slightest.  I found myself feeling so attracted to this man.  And it certainly wasn’t because of his appearance but had everything to do with the fact that he was sporting a baby.

I couldn’t help but to stare at this man as he played with the young infant who was strapped tightly against the warmth of his beer belly in a navy blue Baby Bjorn baby carrier.  I watched as this man rubbed the baby’s head, played with his little arms, and held out his finger so that the baby could grip on to it.

Generally, I don’t care much for babies.  In fact, I never get excited by babies.  Dean is no baby lover.  But just watching this man interact with the small infant the way he did, made me instantly swoon.  I just couldn’t get enough of him.  As my girlfriend talked to me, I completely ignored everything she said.  I simply couldn’t concentrate on anything else that was happening around me.  All I could focus my attention and energy on that afternoon was this man…and the baby that was strapped tightly to his protruding belly.

As we walked out into the parking lot of the school, I stumbled not once…but twice as I gazed at the man with the baby walking toward his car.  I found myself in that moment wanting to know everything about him.  Was he married?  What kind of car did he drive?  Where was he going next?  And more importantly, could I go with him?

For weeks, I couldn’t stop thinking about this man.  There was nothing that I could do to erase the memory of this “baby daddy” from my head.  And that’s exactly how the idea of “baby accessorizing” for men came to me.  I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t thought of this method sooner.  I am a dating advice expert after all!  I mean it’s a clever dating technique that seems so obvious and so clear, right?

After conducting much research on my latest dating development, it turns out that “baby accessorizing” is a proven technique that’s actually been around for years.  But for whatever reason it is a method that is not widely practiced.  As you might recall, Hugh Grant actually used the “baby accessory” method in the movie, “About a Boy”.  His character, Will Freeman, tried to pass as a single dad in an effort to meet and date single moms.  He even went as far as to shop for all of the essential baby supplies to help convince the ladies that he had a baby.   (Note: Studies have shown that it is not necessary to purchase baby supplies in order to get a girl’s attention. The only accessory that is needed is the actual baby itself.)

So men, now that I have gotten you all excited about baby accessorizing, you are probably wondering, “Dean, how in the world am I going to get myself a baby”?  This is a great and valid concern.

Dean does not recommend that you make your own baby simply for the purpose of getting yourself a girlfriend (even though the process would most definitely be fun).  Making a baby not only takes a long time but it will also end up costing you a lot of money and energy in the long run.  Dean suggests borrowing a baby from a close friend.  Trust me: any good friend of yours would happily loan you their baby for a few hours if it meant that there was the possibility that you could find love.  (Note: although it helps to find a baby who somewhat resembles you, it is not crucial in making this plan work.  Don’t stress if you can’t find a baby who is your same ethnicity or skin color.  Any baby will do.  Remember, it’s not the actual baby that’s important but rather how you interact with the baby that will get yourself a girlfriend in the end.)

So men, if you want to get yourself a girlfriend, it’s time that you cancel that membership to match.com.  Stop going to bars to meet pathetic women.  And stop pretending that you actually shop for groceries in a supermarket.  (We all know that you don’t really cook anyway.)  All of this stuff is a total waste of time if you’re serious about finding love.  It’s time for you to score yourself a woman the only way that’s actually been proven to work…and go get yourself a baby!  Trust Dean.  Just a few hours with baby will eventually get you the lady.

(Note: If for whatever reason it is impossible for you to secure yourself a baby for a few hours, studies have shown that walking a puppy on a crowded sidewalk also works.  Visit your local SPCA or animal shelter and volunteer to be a dog walker.  You’ll not only being doing a good deed for your community but more importantly you’ll be doing a good deed for your love life!)

 

Dear Dean: I’m one offended paramedic

07 Thursday Jul 2011

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Question: I really hope your EMT story is not serious.
If so, just remember a few things.
1) you are a patient, you are no different than any other no matter how attractive.
2) “but he saved me” its his job.
3) you now look at him like a hero, EMT’s dont want to be looked at as their significant others hero.
4) EMTs dont date patients.
5) if we happen to be at the hospital at another time, we like to check on our patients.

and finally
6. you can seriously hurt someone if you practice CPR on them.
Answer:

Dear Mr. Anonymous EMT,

First, I would like to thank you for teaching me all about EMT’s and their rules of conduct while on the job.  I can see that you have a lot of pride in your profession.  And I truly appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me.

However, I would like to point out to YOU that an EMT is no different from anyone else on the streets.  Just like a baker, a teacher, a barber, or even a bus driver, an EMT is simply another person in the neighborhood.  He’s a person that you meet, when you’re walking down the street.  And in my opinion, he’s fair game for dating just like anyone else.

I have taken the liberty of responding to each of your comments:

1)  I beg to differ.  I like to think that I am way cuter than most people who typically call into 911 with a serious back injury.  I’m even willing to bet that the EMT who saved my life that day enjoyed himself way more with me than he would have with someone who was older….or not as cute.  I’m just saying.

2)  Yes, saving me was his job.  But there’s no doubt that I made his job a lot more enjoyable that morning with my sunny personality and my superb flirting skills.

3)  I disagree.  My EMT LOVED it when I referred to him as a hero.  Kind of like how I liked it when he referred to me as his honey bunny.  I don’t think that your blanket statement applies to all EMT’s.

4)  Saying an EMT doesn’t date patients is like saying that doctors don’t date nurses.  Or that professors don’t date students.  Or that politicians don’t date their housekeepers.  In the real world, dating is fair game for EVERYONE!  We’re so fortunate and lucky to have these rights!

5) I am happy to hear that EMT’s visit their patients while they’re at the hospital.  I am willing to bet you though that my EMT visited me that day because he thought I was cute and he liked me.  What can I say?  Dean is a catch…even when she’s in the hospital!

6)  What if the guy is especially cute?  Can’t we make an exception to the rule with this one?  I like to think that performing CPR on a cute guy is totally acceptable.  And think about how romantic it would be if I actually saved him in the process of giving him CPR?!?!

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me.  And, if you happen to have any cute and single EMT friends, send them my way!  I love their big strong arms and I especially love how adorable they look in their sexy little uniforms.

Keep saving lives!

Love,
Dean

P.S. You are totally my new hero.

First Date? Dean Says: Make Him Pay!

07 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by in Dating Advice

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Picture this: You’re on your first date with a guy at a wine bar, the waiter delivers the check to your table, and the nerves begin to take over your entire body as you contemplate what exactly your next move should be.  Do you reach for your wallet in your purse?  Do you put down your own credit card and offer to pay for your portion of the bill?  Do you hand over a wad of cash to your date?  Or do you simply do nothing at all and just wait for the guy to take care of the bill it its entirety?  Throughout my many years of practicing dating, I have come across thousands of girls out there who have been struggling with this exact scenario.  So many readers are constantly writing in and asking, “Dean, what exactly is the protocol for who should pay on a first date?”

As a world-renowned dating advice expert, I have years of experience in dealing with this type of situation.  So to all of you girls out there who have been wondering how exactly you should be handling yourselves when the bill comes to your table, lucky for you, I have scientifically developed a fail-proof system for this exact scenario.  My plan effectively forces the man to pay for the first date while eliminating any stress that you may be experiencing due to not knowing how to approach the bill.  Allow Dean to put your mind at ease, once and for all, before you go out on your next first date.

First, it is important for all girls to recognize that it is absolutely 100% the man’s responsibility to cover the bill in its entirety on a first date.  There are no exceptions to this rule.  Ever.

Dating experts like myself, through years of study and observation, have determined that the “payment act” is the only accurate measure for truly understanding a man’s fundamental and inherent makeup.  The “payment act” (a term that was invented exclusively by Dean) is defined as, “a man’s willingness to pay for the bill on a first date”.  Scientific studies have shown that any man who expects a girl to pay for her portion of the bill, or worse off, who asks a girl to cover the entire cost bill, has something inherently wrong with him.  This is a huge warning sign (or sickness) that indicates to us dating specialists that the guy is extremely cheap and furthermore incapable of being a good boyfriend.

So, now that you have a better understanding about who is responsible for covering the cost of a first date, it will be much easier for you to follow the simple rules of my plan.

Dean’s Fail-Proof Guide for Getting a Guy to Pay for the First Date:

Step 1:  Next time the bill comes to your table when you are on a first date with a man, immediately ask yourself the question, “do I like this guy enough to want to see him again for a second date?”

If this answer to this question is “yes”, please proceed to step 2.  If this answer to this question is “no”, please skip ahead to step 3.

Step 2:  If you determined that you like your date enough to go out with him a second time, your next move is to perform the “wallet reach”.  The “wallet reach” (which was created exclusively by Dean) is defined as, “the act of pretending that you are “reaching” for your wallet deep within the confines of your purse”.  In performing this act, you want to make it appear as though you are really struggling to find your wallet in your purse.  The “struggle” in this step is necessary because it is essentially buying you time.  During this “struggle” phase,  your date is going to take notice of your difficulty in finding your wallet.  (Note: In order for this act to be most effective, it’s really important to make the struggle seem somewhat obvious.)  As your date watches you fumble through your purse, he will eventually feel inclined to say, “Please don’t worry about it.  I’ll handle the bill.”  Keep in mind, nice men do not like to see girls in stress.  As your date watches you “struggle”, he will automatically feel compelled to “save you”.

Step 3:  If you have determined that you are not interested in going on a second date, there is no need to perform the “wallet reach”.  In this scenario, my plan requires you to do absolutely nothing at all, (a.k.a. the “sit pretty” act).  The simple act of doing nothing when the bill comes, gives off the impression to your date that you are a spoiled brat.  And this is good!  Bear in mind that when you’re not interested in a guy, it is important that he is not interested in you either.  The “sit pretty” act will ensure that your date never contacts you again.  He will be so appalled by your spoiled girl behavior that he will be determined to pay the bill as quickly as possible and end the date immediately.  (Note: If you’ve never performed the “sit pretty” act before, it will be slightly uncomfortable for you.  And this is okay and quite normal.)  Like anything else in life, this is a move that will continue to get easier the more times you practice it.  Also keep in mind, that even though it feels wrong to not offer to pay for any portion of the bill, in the end, you are really doing both you and your date a favor.  Remember, the ultimate goal of step 3 is to get your date NOT to like you.

As you can see, by simply following the rules of my plan, you will never have to pay for a first date again!  My plan also effectively reduces any stress that typically comes along with the uncertainty of not knowing what to do when the bill comes. Remember, going on first date with a guy should be fun…and free.  So before you go out on your next first date with a guy, be prepared to either “struggle” or “sit pretty”.  In either scenario, just knowing how to handle yourself on your date will most certainly put your mind at ease.

So now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

(Note: Although it may come across from all of her extensive knowledge about dating and relationships that Dean is a doctor, bear in mind that Dean is not in fact a doctor in real life, nor does she play one on TV.  She does, however, often like to pretend for the purpose of her blog, that she knows what she is talking about.  While no official Ph.D. has been earned from any sort of accredited University, Dean plans to someday create a fake diploma to hang on the walls of her non-existent office.) 

 

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