I’ve been on a lot of dates lately.  And I can’t help but notice that every guy I go out with asks me the same question on our first date.  He wants to know what my type of guy is.

I’m not going to lie here.  I think that this is a really dumb question to ask a girl, especially on a first date.  Is there really not anything more interesting to talk about?  I mean, what exactly is the point of even asking this question in the first place?  News flash boys:  Every girl on the planet is going to answer this question in the same way.  We all want someone who is smart, funny, and attractive.  That’s our checklist; that’s our type.  I mean any girl who says that she doesn’t want any of these things is lying.  Or she’s just weird. Because this would mean that she wants someone who is short, boring, and dumb.  And no girl in her right mind would ever openly admit that to a guy, especially on a first date when she’s trying to impress him.

Let’s face it.  These days, I’d be happy to just find a guy who I actually like to hang out with and spend time with.  At this point in my life I’ve dated every type of guy there is.  I have dated the ugly, I’ve dated the old, the young, the Pirates in the Caribbean, the Paramedics, the Lawyers, the Super-Jews, the married ones, the guys with the nice apartments and the guys who still live with their parents.  I have dated the meat-eaters, the vegans, and the kosher ones.  I have dated the dog lovers, cat lovers, and even squirrel lovers.  I have dated the tattooed and the pierced, the cyclists and the yoga enthusiasts.  I think it’s pretty safe to say that Dean doesn’t exactly discriminate when it comes to dating men.  I have no “type”.

That being said, there are of course, some nice-to-have traits that I wouldn’t object to my boyfriend having….I like to refer to these traits as the “boyfriend bonuses”.

Dean’s Boyfriend Nice to Have List

1. A man with a lisp.  What can I say?  I am a sucker for a man with a lisp or someone with a slight speech impediment.  Typically, when I hear a man speak with a lisp, I find myself immediately wondering if he is going to be my next boyfriend.

 

• A man with impressive laundry facilities.  How great would it be to find a guy who has his very own washing machine and a dryer?  He’d score even more bonus points if he has a front-loader machine (with the steam option).
• An accent.  I like English and Australian accents best but any kind of accent will do, really.  Special bonus points for any man who has an accent and a lisp.
• A man who can’t sing.  I love men who are tone-deaf.  Yup.  It’s true.  I know this is an odd one but there’s something particularly funny to me about a boy who cannot sing but still tries to anyway.  Girls always say that they want boyfriends or husbands who make them laugh.  To me, there is nothing more funny (or more sexy) than a tone-deaf man who loves to sing out loud.
• A man in a uniform.  This can range from doctor’s scrubs to a Paramedic uniform.  (Note: this does not include the white shirt/white pant uniform that waiters at the Cheesecake Factory are required to wear.  I find this look to be very unappealing.)  I also don’t fancy the brown MUNI bus driver uniform.  But I do, however, very much like the brown UPS uniform.
• A non-married man.  At this point in my life, I’d prefer my boyfriend not to married to someone else while he’s dating me.  What can I say?  The married men seem to dig me.  The problem with this is that they also seem to dig their wives at the same time.  Dean is selfish in this regard.  I don’t want to have to share my boyfriend.

 

So, to the next guy out there who asks me on our first date what my type of guy is: My answer is, I am looking for an unmarried, tone-deaf Englishman with a lisp who dresses in a crisp, freshly laundered UPS uniform.

And to my readers out there, if any of you happen to know of a guy who fits this bill, please send him my way.  Dean is anxiously standing by.