Monthly Archives: February 2011

My Genius Idea

28 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by in Dating Advice

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A lot of girls like to meet men at bars.  I was never one of those girls.  I mean sure.  A bar is a perfect social setting for singles.  It’s a place where they can go to get drunk and hopefully to get laid.  But at the end of the day, the bar scene was never my scene.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve met guys at bars before.  Many guys.  And I’ve also been known to go on a few dates with guys whom I’ve met at bars.  Let’s just say, I have no problem walking into a bar and flirting with guys like it’s my day job.  (I mean, it kind of is since I don’t really have a day job.)  Dean’s one good flirter.  I just don’t like doing it…at a bar.

At the end of the day, my preference is to meet a guy at a coffee shop, via a panicked call to 9-1-1, or on some mode of public transportation.  I’m all about meeting a guy organically without being in the social setting of a meet market.  An ideal venue for me would be a comfortable place where there are singles around, but without all of the objectifying criteria that normally takes place in a bar.

And this is exactly how I came up with my genius idea of meeting a guy at an Apple store.  My theory makes sense, really.  I’ve always secretly been attracted to the Macboy so I figured why not go into an Apple store to find myself a boyfriend?  I mean the Apple store does truly offer the best of both worlds.  Every Apple store does come fully equipped with a bar; the Genius Bar.  But there is no alcohol and it’s definitely not a meet market.  So really, it’s the perfect bar setting. Genius!

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term Macboy, Urban Dictionary describes him as, “a male who is obsessed with Apple products, in particular their Macs.  They have to have the latest version as soon as it comes out, and continually rant on about how Macs are superior to PCs.  They often have posters of Steve Jobs graced all over their bedroom walls.”  Think Justin Long from all the Mac commercials on TV.  He’s the epitome of a true Macboy.

In my opinion, Macboys are truly amazing.  For starters, they are super- cute.  They are simple-minded and know how to achieve the perfect look by blending just the right amount of cool-hipster with nerdy-smart.  And Macboys by definition are smart too; really smart.  I mean they have to be because it’s literally their job to know everything about Apple products.  I’ve decided that dating a Macboy would be way more satisfying than dating a hot jock because Macboys know how to do super cool things like live stream movies for free (and other cool computer type computer stuff that I know nothing about).  Hot jocks can’t do this any of this stuff.  They’re just fun to look at.

So I decided that it was finally time to test my theory and to hit up an Apple store to find myself a Macboy.  I took the next obvious step and booked myself an appointment at the Genius Bar.  It was a Monday morning appointment so I had lots of time to prepare for it the weekend before.  Just like when heading out to an ordinary bar, I knew that I needed to look my absolute best.  I carefully selected my outfit the night before and spent a few extra minutes that Monday morning applying my “natural looking” makeup and straightening my wavy hair.  The look I had decided on was casual with a twist of cuteness.  I had a hard time deciding that morning if I should wear my smart-looking eyeglasses to the appointment or if I should just stick to the contact lenses that I normally wear.  I wanted to appear smart to the Macboys but at the same time I didn’t want to take any attention away from my eyes.  (I’ve been told that my blue eyes are one of my best facial features.)  At the last minute, I decided to drop the glasses.  I figured that a Macboy would automatically think I was smart simply because I was a Mac owner.  That’s good enough for them, right?

There was nothing really wrong with my MacBook but I figured that I could easily make up a problem that wouldn’t make me sound too dumb or that wouldn’t require me to permanently damage my computer.  I decided on going with the story that my MacBook was running slowly.  I mean that does happen with computers, right?  And it’s certainly not an issue that’s too big for a genius Macboy to resolve.

As I waited for my turn to be called up to the Genius Bar, I was feeling both excited and nervous.  After checking out the fine selection of inventory that was working at the Genius Bar that morning, I was feeling especially good about my decision to go there to find a boyfriend.  There was definitely some good potential with this bunch of Macboys.

My name was finally called and I happily took my seat at one of the stools at the Genius Bar.  But I couldn’t help but to feel slightly defeated when I randomly got paired with the one Macboy who was sporting a big, bushy, brown beard.  He definitely didn’t have that cool-hipster /nerdy-smart look that I love so much in a Macboy.  He had more of an “I am a sheepherder from New Hampshire who rides a mean motorcycle” type of look.   (You see, big bushy beards were never really my thing.)   But I wasn’t about to let my Macboy’s rugged look interfere with me securing myself a boyfriend.  I was on a mission.  I came to the Genius Bar that morning with a purpose; and that purpose was to find myself a boyfriend.  I wasn’t about to let some unattractive beard get in the way of my plan.

Clearly, I knew that it wasn’t going to work out with the bearded Macboy and me.  Simply put, he just wasn’t for me.  I needed an alternate plan, and quick!  And that’s when I noticed another nice looking Macboy behind the bar who wasn’t already assisting another customer.  I knew right away that I needed to be dramatic in order to get this cute Macboy’s attention.

Immediately shifting my new plan into gear, I asked my sheepherder of a Macboy, “Are you sure it’s going to be okay?”  Of course I asked this question just loud enough for the cute Macboy to hear.

“Everything’s going to be just fine.” My Macboy from New Hampshire assured me.  “We’ll get her back to running normal in no time!”

“Oh, Thank God!” I said.  “I was just so scared that I was going to have to buy a new computer.”

And then I let out a dramatic sigh just as I made eye contact with the cute Macboy at the bar.

“Is everything okay with your computer?” The cute Macboy asked me as he walked over toward me.

“Well apparently it will be.”  I told him.  “It’s been running a bit slow lately but supposedly it’s something that can be fixed pretty easily.  As you can imagine, I’ve been terribly worried about it.”

And just like that, my plan to talk to the cute Macboy was working!  For the next several minutes I made small talk with him while my computer was still being “worked” on by the sheepherder.  We talked about our jobs (or my lack thereof), where we each lived in the City, and even our favorite foods.  I asked him all sorts of questions about Apple products and he seemed especially happy to answer them.  I could sense that my plan to date a Macboy was coming together perfectly.

We were at that crucial point in our conversation where I just knew that I was about to get asked out.  I mean all of the signs were there.  He asked me what I was doing later that afternoon and even told me that I should stop by the store again if my computer was still running slow after I got home.  I mean it was obvious.  Cute Macboy wanted me.

But by the end of my appointment I still didn’t have a date.  My unbroken computer was supposedly “working” again but my plan to get a date was not working.  I was so confused.  Cute Macboy had failed to seal the deal with me.  He didn’t once try to hook up with me at the Genius Bar nor did he even ask me for my phone number.

I couldn’t help but to feel like a complete failure that day.  I didn’t want to walk away from the Apple store but I had to.  My computer was “fixed” and we had said our good-byes.  It just felt so weird walking away.  I had this unsettling feeling in my stomach that I couldn’t shake off.  I mean all signs pointed to cute Macboy being interested in me but in the end he didn’t do a thing about it.  I couldn’t help but to start questioning where I had gone wrong.  Was my outfit not right?  Was my makeup smudged?  Should have I worn the glasses that morning?

And that’s when I realized that maybe it wasn’t me after all.  Macboys might be geniuses when it comes to computers but they still have a thing or two to learn when it comes to girls.  I learned that morning that an Apple a day not only keeps the doctors away but apparently the girls too.

And so there we have it.  It turns out that my genius idea to find a boyfriend at the Apple store wasn’t so bright after all.

Two Degrees of Colin Firth

17 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by in Dating Stories

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I have always dreamt of someday marring an Englishman (or more specifically, Colin Firth).  So I’m sure that you could imagine my surprise when an English actor by the name of “Simon” proposed me to last week, in my hotel lobby.  (Note: Simon is not his real name but rather a “stage” name that I have carefully selected for him in order to help conceal his true identity.  My fiancé especially needs a stage name because he is a kind of a big deal actor.  And by big deal, I mean that he may have once actually starred in a movie with Colin Firth!)  By association alone, I have decided that being engaged to Simon is almost the same as being engaged to Colin Firth.  Almost.

Even though I always hoped I would marry an Englishman, I never really believed that it would actually happen for me.  I mean it just always seemed like one of those dreams that was too good to be true.

In a million years, I never could have imagined that I would meet my Englishman, actor, fiancé in San Juan, Puerto Rico, while vacationing with my dad!  But people do always say that you find love when you are least expecting to.

I mean there I was in my hotel lobby, innocently playing a game of Spider Solitaire on my iPhone4, when a man with a red beard started talking to me.

“Hello. Where are you from?” He asked me.

“San Francisco,” I replied.  “Where are you from?”

“London,” he said.  “I love San Francisco!”

“And I love London!” I said.

“Let’s get married!” He suggested.  “Shall we?”

“Done!” I said.

And just like that, I was engaged to the red-bearded Englishman in my hotel lobby.  Of course at that moment, I wanted to shout out to the World that I was engaged; that I, Dean, had just been proposed to.  After all, this had been a moment I had been waiting for my entire life!  (Note: When Simon asked me to marry him, I wasn’t aware of his fame yet.  I agreed to marry Simon based solely on his proposal alone; not for his stardom.)  It was only after our proposal that I learned that Simon was in Puerto Rico filming a movie.  (Well, that’s what he told me anyway.  And I wasn’t sure if I believed him quite yet.)

“Is there anyone else who I might know starring in this movie with you?”  I asked my new fiancé.

“Perhaps you might know Elijah?”  He said.

“As in Elijah Wood?” I asked.

“Yes.” He confirmed.

Thinking at this point that this guy had to have been pulling my leg or at least on some sort of serious medication, I continued to “play along” with his little story and told Simon that Elijah was way too young for me to date but that I would love to meet him anyway…just for shits and giggles, of course.

My future husband then asked me if i wanted to grab a drink with him.  And, being the whack-job that he appeared to be, I said no.  I told him that I was very busy and that I couldn’t join him because I had lots of very important things to do; like getting ready for dinner (but truthfully needing to text all my friends about what had just happened).

“Well then,” He said.  “How about we meet later on tonight for drinks instead?  We’ll all be drinking at the hotel bar.”

“Not sure.”  I replied.  “Will Elijah be joining us?”

“I would assume so.” My fiancé said.

“Lovely.”  I said in my best English accent.  (I tend to speak in English accents when those around me are also speaking in them.)  “Then of course I’ll join you…and Elijah.  I’ll see you later then!”

As I stood up to leave, Simon walked toward me and planted a huge kiss on each of my cheeks.

“I’ll see you later tonight, beautiful.”   He said. And he walked away.

I did next what any normal girl in my shoes would do…and started texting everyone I knew in my cell phone about what had just happened.  Still not knowing if the red-bearded man was for real or not, I quickly organized a team of friends to start doing research on my new fiancé.  I needed to find out once and for all if Simon was for real.  And more importantly, I needed to know if I would be meeting Elijah Wood later on that night for drinks.

It only took a few short minutes to discover that Simon had in fact been telling me the truth.  (All I can say is, thank god for IMDb.)  Simon was indeed an actor from London, filming a movie in Puerto Rico, with Elijah Wood.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was engaged to someone famous and I had a date to meet Elijah for drinks later that night….no big deal!

Fast-forward a few hours, and there I was sitting in the hotel bar with Simon, Elijah (a.k.a. “Eli”), and a whole bunch of other English actors.  I was in English-accent-speaking heaven and it was amazing!  Simon, the fascinating character that he is, introduced me to all of his actor friends, as his wife.  No one seemed the least bit surprised by his comment and I certainly wasn’t about to correct him.  After all, Simon was famous and he had in fact proposed to earlier that day.  None of this was a lie.

As you can imagine, it was nearly impossible for me to keep my cool that night.  I mean it’s not every day that Dean gets to hang out with a bunch of actors, and ones with English accents, no less.  My nerves were completely unsettled.  And although I did my best to help calm them with some Bacardi and Diet Coke, nothing seemed to work.  I mean there I was, the future wife of Simon, sitting next to Eli like it was completely normal.

Well, there was nothing normal about this night…including when I told Eli that I had nice ankles.  Talking about ones ankles is never something that anyone ever plans on talking about, right?  I’m not exactly sure what happened.  It just kind of slipped out when Eli asked me how Simon and I had met.  Instead of me simply saying, “he proposed to me in the hotel lobby earlier today”, like any normal person would.  I instead replied, “Simon noticed my ankles. I have really nice ankles.”

I, of course, had to take a picture of my ankles that night to document my “winning” moment with Eli.  I mean if you’re going to do something memorable, you might as well take a picture to capture the moment.

Throughout my week in Puerto Rico, every time I saw Eli, he would appropriately refer to me as “Ankles”.  It was awesome.  We had clearly become friends, Eli and me.  And Simon and I started to get to know each other too…as husband and wife.

I had an amazing week with Simon in Puerto Rico.  We talked a ton, we drank a lot, we held hands, and we gazed at sharks together in the ocean.  We were caught in a rainstorm together as we swung on a hammock and shared our first kiss.  He showed me various clips from his movies on You Tube and I shared with him that I usually wash, brush, and blow dry my hair straight and wear make-up.  We were like two peas in a pod, me and Simon.  We had lots (or not a single thing) in common.  And on our last full day together, he took me on a very romantic date to Old San Juan where we ate lunch, shopped, and talked to the locals.  It was the most fun I had had on a date in a long time.  And when I left to go to the airport the next day, Simon called me from his movie trailer, in between shooting scenes, just to say good-bye.

And so this is the story of how Simon and I came to be.  So don’t go acting all surprised when I announce that I’m moving to London or you see me on the Red Carpet at the Oscars in LA some day.  I’ll be the girl wearing a silk organza dress by JCrew, jewelry from Banana Republic, and shoes made by Nina.

And maybe, just maybe, you’ll catch a glimpse of me on the TV, sitting next to Simon’s once-former co-star, Colin Firth.

No. Big. Deal.

It Turns Out That My Soul Mate is Not Rich

02 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by in Dean's Deep Thoughts

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So it was only two days ago that I had truly believed I had found my soul mate.  I had fallen in love with a guy whom I had never met before, Rich Santos, a blogger for Marie Claire who writes a blog called, “Dating Diaries: Sex and the Single Guy”.   I immediately fell in love with him after discovering him for the first time on Sunday night.  He is a male blogger who writes about dating and relationships; pretty much a male version of myself.  Of course I was meant to fall in love with him….

Until I came across an article in today’s San Francisco’s Chronicle called, “9 Reasons for Being Single” written by no other than my soul mate, Rich Santos!  The article discusses the 9 reasons why Rich believes he’s still single.   When I first stumbled upon this article, only a few hours ago, I couldn’t believe what my eyes were reading!  I mean here I thought I had finally found my soul mate, the man of my dreams, and it turns out that he’s not even datable.

Not only is he “tough to get along with”, but he also “has issues with sex”, and “is scared by kids”.  And when I thought to myself that it couldn’t get much worse than this, Rich continued to list off an additional 6 reasons about what makes him such a bad catch.

So of course I am thinking now that there must be some lesson in all of this.  I mean two days ago I had thought that I had finally found my soul mate; a man who doesn’t like to match his denims and who gets paid to write about dating and relationships.  And then this morning, in black white, the real truth about my man was revealed.  It turns out that Rich is about as close to perfection as my god awful cooking!  So, I think that the lesson in all of this is that even when you think you have found the perfect guy on paper, when he’s in the paper, you realize that he’s not really perfect after all.

So, Rich, if you’re reading this post, I no longer care to meet you at the top of the Empire State Building.  Something tells me that it won’t work out between us as lovers.  I would, however, be interested in having you take me out for a cup of coffee sometime.  We can talk all about dating, and writing about dating, and how we’re both still single.  It will be fun.  And, seriously, as a former soul mate of mine, I think it’s the least you could do to make things right between us.

And so the search for my rich (not to be confused with Rich) soul mate continues….

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