I was out at a bar last night feeling a bit mesmerized by all of the douchebag boys that were around me. (For those of you who are not familiar with the term “douchebag”, Urban Dictionary defines douchebag as, “An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.”)
There was one douchebag in particular who I became fascinated with. He was wearing what I like to call the trendy embroidered cowboy shirt. I couldn’t help but to stare at this one douchebag. Not because he was the least bit attractive, of course, but more because of what he was wearing. I couldn’t help but to think to myself, “I can’t believe that this boy actually felt like it was okay for him to leave his house tonight wearing that shirt”.
Mind you, I was on Polk Street, at a typical douchebag bar where douchebag boys like to walk around the room and talk to girls in hopes that they can get at least one of them to go home with them. But seriously, what girl in their right mind would ever even consider going home with a boy who thinks that it’s okay to wear that kind of shirt in public? I’m sure you know the kind of shirt I am talking about. Right? The one that makes a statement that says, “I am from the Middle-of-Nowhere, Connecticut but I am trying my damn hardest to look like I’m some cool douchebag from New York City.”
My main problem with this shirt is that it has no real identity. It’s not a nice, work, buttondown nor is it a cowboy shirt. Pick and choose, you douchebag boy, you. Go with the button down or go with the cowboy shirt. Stop trying the merge the two together. It doesn’t work. The embroidery looks tacky. And…I’m not going home with you.
So as I was watching this hideously dressed douchebag boy hit on girl after girl, I started thinking about what else I find annoying that boys wear out in public. And then I realized last night that there are just so many things. So here is my list:
Dean’s Top 10 List of What Boys Need To Put Away For Good (especially if they ever want to get a girlfriend…or at least get a girl to go home with them)
- Trendy Embroidered Cowboy Shirt.
Enough said on this topic.
- Gray Cotton Sweatpants.
Why not invest in a nice pair of athletic/workout pants? Boys, I believe that cotton sweat pants went out of style in the 80′s.
- Denim Jacket.
What is it about a denim jacket that you find so appealing? Is it that you don’t want to wear a heavier jacket on a nice Fall day? Why not invest in a trendy tracksuit jacket instead? Is this too much to ask?
- Teva Sandals (or any strappy/water type sandal for men)
Come on, Boys! Have you ever heard of Rainbow Thongs? Us girls don’t want to see men wearing more straps on their feet than we do. Also, I believe that velcro was invented for small children who don’t know how to tie their shoes yet.
- Cargo Jeans (or wide leg pants)
Really? Are you a carpenter? Or a painter? Most likely not. So do you really need to own a pair of jeans that have a special hook sewn into your pants for your hammer or your paint brush?
- A Speedo.
Unless you are a foreigner who doesn’t speak a word of English, or a national champion water polo player, you are not permitted to wear a Speedo out in public in the United States. Trust me, boys. Us girls do not want to see your little “thing” on the beach. This is why we have something called bedrooms…with doors.
- A Baseball Hat Worn Sideways.
Is your head crooked? Or is your head not on your neck straight? Then why exactly is your hat turned to the side like that? Turn your hat around and be normal. I am beginning to think that your head must be crooked if you think it’s actually okay to wear your hat like that.
- A Diamond Earring.
No boy should ever wear more jewelry than a girl. That’s the rule. Stop breaking it.
- A Wife Beater.
Think about it. It got the name “wife beater” for a reason. Because any boy who thinks it’s okay to wear that kind of shirt out in public is clearly not sane. And neither are the husbands who beat their wives.
- Ed Hardy T-shirts.
Not really a lot to say about this one other than Jon Gosselin enjoys wearing these shirts. He is a newly single, divorced dad with 8 kids. And I wouldn’t exactly call him “cool”.