I decided today that I, Dean, am pretty much a Real Housewife of New York City. I mean so what if I am not married (to a slightly gay man), have no children, and I’m not a Countess, a chef, or a model? Who cares that I have not written a top-selling book about manners, have no summer home in the Hamptons, or a hit song on You Tube about elegance called “Money Can’t Buy You Class“? I have fulfilled none of these things in my life. Not one. But still, just thinking about everything that I that I actually achieved today, leads me to believe that I would make one damn good housewife in New York.
By 1:00 today I had already accomplished the unthinkable. I worked out, read every single status update on Facebook’s newsfeed, replied to emails, washed, blow-dried, and flat-ironed my hair, prepared a healthy lunch for myself consisting of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, took out the trash, washed and folded two loads of laundry and made my bed. I mean if all of this doesn’t constitute being an amazing New York housewife, then I don’t know what does!
There’s just something about living in New York that makes portraying the life of a housewife really easy. Perhaps it’s the fact that for the first time in my adult life, I have my own washing machine and dryer. Quite honestly, just owning this luxury machine makes me want to do laundry. I mean, I have lived in New York for just about one week now, and I have already done 4 loads. I just can’t seem to get enough laundry time! (And it certainly doesn’t help matters that I am slightly addicted to the scent of Clean Breeze Tide Detergent.)
I’ve also been working out much more than usual in New York. I mean sure, there is this amazing gym in my building…only one short elevator ride away from my actual apartment. It would be plain silly not to workout while I’m living here. It’s free. There are spectacular views of Times Square from the gym. It’s convenient. And, most importantly, all of the machines have individual TVs so that I can keep up with the really important daily talk shows. (Today I learned from Dr. Oz that pickles help lower your risk of Diabetes by 20%. See! I gain so much knowledge by being a New York housewife.)
I’m really quite proud of myself for nailing down this housewife thing. I really can’t get over how good I am at it. Surely, there must be some New York guy out there who would want to marry me now. Right? I mean, he’d have such a great deal by marrying me. I’d do this housewife thing that I’m clearly so good at and all he’d have to do is support me….and my very expensive spending habits. It’d be a win-win situation for both of us, really.
Now all I have to figure out is how to make dinner without using cereal and milk as the main ingredients…